ISLA VISTA – The usual clear and sunny weather was interrupted when eerie clouds and thick fog engulfed Isla Vista this morning. The abnormal weather prompted panicked Tweets and Snapchat captions from several students including, “What is this water falling from the sky?????” “WTF I think someone hotboxed all of I.V., bro,” and the overuse of the “We get it, you vape” meme. After further investigation, it has been confirmed that the fog blanketing the town is the effect of an invasion of creatures most foul from the wizarding world, dementors.
The Ministry of Magic released a statement claiming that they are doing everything in their power to rid the soul-sucking creatures from the muggle world, including sending aurors and copious amounts of chocolate.
The dementors have been feeding off of happy thoughts and the promise of Spring Break ragers, and replacing them with Finals Week feelings of depression and misery. Morale is at an all-time low as dementors exterminate any happy thoughts and students are forced to confront their worst fears, from freshman realizing that they won’t make the econ major to seniors finding out they neglected to complete half their GEs even after going to Cheadle Hall for academic advising every quarter.
Sally Smith, first-year sociology major, had a chilling firsthand experience after dementors invaded her Gamma Tau sorority house.
“Everything was fine, and then, all of a sudden, the whole house became cold. Someone suggested that Lululemon might be downsizing, and I heard someone else say Olivia is going to make a surprise comeback and win ‘The Bachelor,’” Smith said. “It felt like every awful thing that could happen would.”
The fog still surrounds the GT sorority house, but Smith and other sisters have been making hourly Starbucks runs in order to boost morale.
Rain and clouds surround several places in Isla Vista that have fallen victim to dementor attacks, making many everyday tasks extraordinarily difficult for residents. Employees at the Isla Vista Food Co-op reported a shortage of vegan ice cream, while surfers at Sands Beach were shocked when an unnamed individual harshed the mellow. The Isla Vista community as a whole has felt the detrimental effects of dementors and can only hope that the foul creatures are gone by Spring Break.
A. Gaucho is a first-year communication major at UCSB who solemnly swears that she is up to no good.