Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 18, 2016

In-N-Out to Shut Down Nationwide, Relief Efforts to Follow

By Jake Feder

In-N-Out’s co-assistant branch manager of business relations, Chip Skylar, headed a press conference Monday to break the news that In-N-Out would be closing all of its 300-plus locations, effective immediately.

February 16, 2016

Sorority Girl Can Even, Fellow Comm Students Appalled

By Sorority Sally

“Not many sorority girls can say that they’ve done that — that they can even.”

February 12, 2016

5 Ways El Niño Is Worse Than Your Ex

By Collin McLeod

Given the fact that California has been in a record-setting drought for the last five years, the promise of heavy rains and snow has given residents hope that they will not have to live in a time where fuckbois aren’t ...

February 8, 2016

More Drink, Less Think: Drinking Games for Midterm Season

By Maya Rao

Stay under the influence and above the curve.

February 4, 2016

An Ode to Sands

By Nik Frey

It’s not yet sunrise but my coffee is brewing, stoked for what’s coming, can’t wait to start cruising. “Goin’ to class?” my awakened roommate asks. “Hell no,” says I, “El Niño is here, screw Shakespear...

February 2, 2016

11 Isla Vista Keys to Success

By Miranda Velasquez

DJ Khaled's keys to Isla Vista success. Bless up.

February 1, 2016

Sorority Opens Portal to Hell During Initiation

By Emily Williams

ISLA VISTA — On Friday, Jan. 29, 2016, Santa Barbara County Fire Department responded to calls after the UCSB chapter of Delta Epsilon Alpha Delta accidentally created a portal to the underworld. The incident occurred ...

January 29, 2016

7 Things Donald Trump Looks Like

By Collin McLeod

You have heard of him and you have seen him. He is the legendary Donald Trump. Now here are some different ways of seeing Donald Trump that really show why his appearance trumps the rest of his political platform.

January 24, 2016

UCSB Students Disregard E. Coli Breakout, Pay The $1.95 to Add Guac

By Jenny De La Cuadra

GOLETA — A newly released study conducted by a special University student-focused division of the Pew Research Center has found widespread apathy in regards to the health risks associated with Chipotle’s “Fresh Mex...

January 22, 2016

UCSB Creates Supplemental College Application

By Maya Rao

Getting into college nowadays is no joke. However, the application process is a long and grueling journey. Besides the fact that you have to spend about $90 bucks per application, you also have to come up with bullshit r...

January 20, 2016

5 Useful Apps for the Average UCSB Student

By Jasmine Vaughn

Although technology has progressed rapidly over the past decade, the fact that I still have to get out of bed for my morning caffeine is proof enough that it has not progressed enough. For most of life’s little inconve...

January 16, 2016

Jeb Bush’s Guac Recipe: As Disappointing As His Brother’s Presidency

By Evan Swerdfeger

After months of build-up and eager anticipation, the first juicy reveal of campaign season has finally occurred. Just before the New Year, Jeb Bush unveiled his highly secretive guacamole recipe during an interview with ...

January 15, 2016

TeaKitten: Passionate Peach For Your Passionate Peach

By Lyla Bernfield

You know how it goes. Your new Tinder bae invites you over to Netflix and chill, and 20 minutes into the provocative world of “Bob’s Burgers,” things start getting steamy. Roommate sexiled, twinkle lights on and wa...

January 12, 2016

7-Eleven Secret Menu

By Emily Williams

January 9, 2016

Josh Inga Uncovered: The Free & For Sale Legend

By Jasmine Vaughn

Even if you’ve only recently joined the UCSB Free & For Sale Facebook group, you’ve likely already come across some interesting wares. Although the page promises “dirty couches, alcohol, and worn panties,” on...

January 5, 2016

Hoverboard Craze: Dangerous or Sexy?

By Jasmine Vaughn

Three are injured and two are in emergency care after a crash on the sidewalk in front of the Arbor yesterday morning. Reports say the accident was caused when a hoverboarder lost control of his vehicle while driving thr...