THE ARBOR — Reports surfaced early this morning of a local UCSB student wandering campus aimlessly while quietly mumbling questions such as “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”
Rumors that he was suffering an existential crisis began circulating the previous day after he tweeted that not one campus organization attempted to impose their cause on him when he walked through The Arbor.
“We ask that the community remain compassionate and respectful towards his family during this time. We’re all hoping that he will make a speedy recovery.”
Representatives of the young man have asked that his identity remain private during this trying time, but they have confirmed that he is indeed in the midst of an existential crisis. “This is not a matter to be taken lightly. He walked into The Arbor empty handed, expecting to leave with several flyers, but he left with none. It could happen to anybody,” they warned. “We ask that the community remain compassionate and respectful towards his family during this time. We’re all hoping that he will make a speedy recovery.”
From what we understand, the student appeared to have entered The Arbor from the north, heading south. He entered around noon, easily one of The Arbor’s busiest hours. Security footage and eyewitness accounts gathered exclusively by Nexustentialism confirm that the young man was in The Arbor for the proceeding three hours, wandering back and forth. During that time, not once was he approached.
In the first hour, he tried to pet a dog which promptly ran away. Around hour two, the “Students for Bernie” volunteers were forced to acknowledge him for several seconds after he successfully registered to vote six consecutive times.
The young man hit his breaking point close to hour three, where he was attempting to give the CALPIRG interns all of the money he had in his wallet to no avail. “He appeared increasingly desperate,” noted a psychology professor who happened to be in the area. He even tried the “Got Questions?” booth for five cents, yet he didn’t receive any help. They took his nickel and completely ignored him.
“One minute he was texting me saying that no one asked him to sign a petition to save the bees, the next thing I know, he’s just gone.”
Roommates and friends then began coming forward, recounting the events from their perspectives.
“I don’t know, man. I’m worried,” said Chris, one of the student’s roommates. “One minute he was texting me saying that no one asked him to sign a petition to save the bees, the next thing I know, he’s just gone.”
Reportedly, the student even offered to sign a five page petition to end cancer and support schools, but they told him they didn’t need any more signatures. “He came home, his eyes were glazed and he was walking into walls asking random questions about his life purpose,” Chris said. “It was pretty dark.”
While the reasons he was ignored cannot yet be determined, friends and family are putting in a combined effort to get him through this crisis. You can send them any extra flyers, pamphlets, brochures, or petitions you receive in The Arbor, as they will go towards building up his morale during his recovery process.
Ariana Marmolejo is a first-year theater major at UCSB who always signs petitions to save the bees.
