ISLA VISTA — Local residents were graced with the presence of Overlord President Trump on April 20, 2017 during one of the stops along his tour of the Western District. The visit is part of the surveying process, step one of his latest multi-step citizen improvement program, “Make Isla Vista Great Again.”
The Donald was reportedly quite pleased with the town’s potential and is already starting early action in the program. One important improvement being implemented is a wall along El Colegio Rd., surrounding the town to keep out out-of-towners.
“When other towns send their OOTs, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending your best friend from high school; they’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing riots. They‘re bringing alcohol, and they’re not sharing it. They’re party crashers. And some, I assume, are good people,” Trump said.
Trump’s rebranding program also involves renaming Isla Vista’s “overly ethnic-sounding” streets. The road formerly known as Del Playa Drive will now be referred to as “The Beach Drive,” Sabado Tarde Road is now called “Saturday Afternoon Road,” and residents of El Greco Road now live on “Ivanka Road.”
“You know, I’ve always loved the Del Playa. It’s a beautiful place, beautiful. But why not just call it what it is: ‘The Beach.’” That’s a very good name for a street; very classy, very good,” said Trump.
The town is honored that His Trumpiness found time in his extremely busy schedule for the visit. Other projects going into effect in the future include the elimination of excessive, “un-American” food vendors in Isla Vista. Many unpopular restauranteurs like those at Freebirds and Naan Stop will be deported to make room for the up-and-coming fine dining establishments Trump Sandwiches and Trump Burgers. Both restaurants promise to offer the citizens of Isla Vista “beautiful food at a huge, absolutely massive, quantity.”
Jasmine Vaughn is a second-year communication major who thinks Donald Trump is on an episode of “Punk’d” that’s been running for too long.