Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 2, 2017

New Plans to Deal With DP Cliff-Slide Risk

By Jenny De La Cuadra

Recent events surrounding the cliffslide and mandatory demolition at 6653 Del Playa have seen a shift in the design philosophy of oceanside property owners.

January 31, 2017

Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

By Emily Anne Williams

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”

January 30, 2017

Local Girl Arrested in Relation to Spoon Homicide

By Zoey Brandt

“She had it coming! I warned her, but that spoon was still in the sink when I got home.”

January 27, 2017

Raccoon Trash Lord Grows Stronger Every Time You Litter

By Ariana Marmolejo

Juniper’s origin is unknown, but what is known is that he controls the greater Isla Vista area through his networks of trash.

January 26, 2017

Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

By Emily Anne Williams

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.

January 23, 2017

Chancellor Yang Washed Away by Floods

By Ariana Marmolejo

It would appear that he first got caught in the flood around Storke Tower and has since been seen floating down Del Playa, holding on to a rogue surfboard.

January 18, 2017

Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

By Emily Anne Williams

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”

January 12, 2017

Local Gluten-Free Crossfit Trainer Takes Vow of Silence, Leaves Scientific Community Uprooted

By Jake Feder

In what will certainly go down as a cornerstone development of the 21st century, scientists at the University of Science in Siberia met Monday morning to discuss the unthinkable.

January 8, 2017

Top 7 Internships For College Students in 2017

By Jake Feder

Internships. The elusive, ever ethereal precursors to one’s midsummer night’s dream job on Mount Olympus with froyo on tap.

January 4, 2017

10 Things the Elf on the Shelf Overheard During the Holidays

By Mia Roncati

This festive little buddy comes out to decorate the house with candy canes and lights and does more than just overlook from his perch.

December 30, 2016

6 Trends That Need To Make a Comeback in 2017

By Ivana Bangaman

2017 is the year we stop normalizing unrealistic stereotypical roles for minors so we can diversify our content and profit off of more child stars.

December 25, 2016

Santa Rescued from Sinking Sleigh by Heroic Surfers

By Emily Anne Williams

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” second-year environmental studies Joseph Wilkins, one of the rescuers, said.

December 20, 2016

Sorority Sally’s Top 10 All-Time Favorite Christmas Songs

By Sorority Sally

Before you begin wondering why there’s no Mariah Carey or Michael Bublé included on this list, you have to remember that these are my favorite Christmas songs.

December 17, 2016

How To Avoid People from High School 101

By Mia Roncati

You thought you would never see them again after you threw your cap in the air, but if you go home for the holidays, you are bound to see at least 60 percent of your graduating class at some point.

December 13, 2016

Overheard in the Library

By Nexustentialism Staff

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, not Christmas season, finals season. At least it was. But now, the library is empty and we move on with our lives.