Courtesy of UCSB Recreation

BREAKING — The director of UCSB’s Recreation Center (Rec Cen) Chaz Willy-Williamson has announced they will open a room specifically for students to use recreational drugs in, starting Fall Quarter of the 2017-18 school year. Taking a hint from the culture of Isla Vista, they decided to move forward with this addition as an attempt to give the students what they want.

While alcohol is considered a drug, this room will specifically be for other substances. Drugs that are currently on the list to be allowed include any forms marijuana, cocaine, hallucinogens and prescription drugs you’ve stolen from your roommate. Harder drugs will not be permitted.

At press time, Willy-Williamson said, “Well, they do this unmonitored in I.V. all the time, and we can’t stop them. Might as well try to make it as safe as possible.”

He declined to answer any further questions, but noted that concerned parents should be directed to the “Contact Us!” page of the Department of Recreation website. When we followed the link to this webpage, all that was found was an Error 404.

While this attraction is still in the early development and planning stages, it is rumored that the room will be mostly empty, with padded floors and a couple of exercise balls. It is confirmed that there will be several vending machines, and it will be catered on Fridays by local I.V. vendors.

“Wait, they don’t already have this?” said second-year English major James Thompson. “Then, yeah … I’m totally stoked!” Most students present at the announcement seemed to be excited, but parents have already voiced their concerns. Still, construction will proceed.

It is has not yet been determined how this room will be in accordance with the law, but the gofundme made to raise money for its construction surpassed its goal within a record-breaking one hour and 34 minutes.

Updates on construction to follow.


Ariana Marmolejo is an accomplished reporter, following her passion of writing about the stories that truly matter, which is evident in all of her articles.


Ariana Marmolejo
Ariana Marmolejo serves as the Nexustentialism Editor and spends her days making bad to moderately good jokes. She formally requests that any anonymous hate comments be sent to her directly via email at