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Spring break is right around the corner, so you know what that means: most major media outlets and fellow spring breakers trying to make you feel poorly about your body and life choices. But fear not! We have the perfect answer to the burning question plaguing the millennial generation: How do I get a spring break body? Read on to find out!

  1. Eat 24,000 calories a day to grow strong.
  2. Drink plenty of alcohols that look like water.
  3. Exclusively eat red meats for at least three days. It strengthens the core.
  4. Don’t waste eight hours a night on sleep, workout instead!
  5. Do anything for the sake of gains. Nothing is off limits. Nothing.
  6. Post plenty of pictures on Instagram reminding people you’re still at the gym.
  7. Give your new muscles a nickname! That encourages them to grow even bigger!
  8. Love yourself the way you are and respect others! The way to get a spring break body is to take your body on spring break!
  9. Just joking. This is America. Ridicule anyone who deviates from the societal norm to make yourself feel better.
  10. Complain. It doesn’t matter what you complain about specifically, just be sure to complain about something.
  11. Stop walking places. Only squat. Everywhere you go, squat, squat, squat. Waddle. Whatever, man.
  12. Listen to “Rack City” by Tyga for at least two hours straight while walking three mph on a treadmill, no incline. Be sure to wear khakis. This is the most full-body workout I can suggest.
  13. Gently light yourself on fire to burn off any excess fat you may not want anymore.
  14. Wear swimwear to all your classes and finals to get into the right frame of mind.
  15. Eat beach sand for breakfast in order to become the beach.
  16. Begin a salt water cleanse, in which you only drink salt water for seven days straight. It’s really good for you!
  17. “If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain … If you´re not into yoga, if you have half a brain … If you like making love at midnight…” Just follow your heart to your spring break body, I guess. I don’t really know what this song is about, but you should play it on repeat until spring break begins.


Ariana Marmolejo wants you to love your body whether you’re at UCSB or in Cabo and hopes you can laugh at this without actually feeling poorly about your life choices.


Ariana Marmolejo
Ariana Marmolejo serves as the Nexustentialism Editor and spends her days making bad to moderately good jokes. She formally requests that any anonymous hate comments be sent to her directly via email at