Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 28, 2017

Trump Dumps Wall for Straight-Up Land Mines

By Avery MacGuire

President Donald Trump announced at a press conference that he will be going back on his campaign promise to build a wall between the United States and Mexico.

February 23, 2017

Sorority Sally “Distraught” After Beyoncé Drops Out of Coachella

By Sorority Sally

I feel like someone stuck their hand in my CHEST and RIPPED OUT MY HEART.

February 23, 2017

UCSB Pro-Nazi Meninists Feel Oppressed by Campus Liberals

By Vianna Mabanag

After the inauguration of President Donald Trump, UCSB pro-Nazi meninists claim to have been targeted by on-campus anti-Trump and anti-racism protests.

February 21, 2017

Spirit of Andrew Jackson visits President Trump with New Domestic Policy Proposals

By Lil Furnace

A recent tweet released by President Trump made mention of a “huge historical inspiration” from a good friend he “would’ve done business with.”

February 20, 2017

President Obama to Join the National Tour Cast of ‘Hamilton: An American Musical’

By Zoey Brandt

While the Obamas do plan on taking some more time off, the former POTUS has recently announced his plans to join the touring national cast of “Hamilton.”

February 17, 2017

Ask Eggbert: An Advice Column

By Eggbert the Alien

UCSB’s Resident Alien Answers Your Burning Questions

February 16, 2017

Third-Year Student Takes Over Philosophy 127 After Professor Fails to Show

By Miranda O'Mahony

“It was 4:07 and the professor wasn’t there,” he said. “I couldn’t take the silence so I just started talking.”

February 15, 2017

Girl Scout Cookies: What You Need to Know

By Lane Wright

Be an informed buyer this Girl Scout Cookie season.

February 14, 2017

Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

By Mia Roncati

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.

February 13, 2017

Student Contacts Dead Ancestors for Dating Advice

By Lauren Jensen

February 10, 2017

Trump Presidency Ends Reverse Racism in America

By Bree-Marie Tennessee

Just as Obama had ended regular racism before him, President Trump has successfully ended reverse racism. Wow!

February 9, 2017

Missing Girl Found After Going into Hiding To Avoid Giving Ride

By Zoey Brandt

Missing UCSB student Jill Crosswell was found alive yesterday morning at 5:00 a.m.

February 7, 2017

Isla Vista Cops Conflicted Over Encouraging Messages in Local Graffiti

By Isaac Mikulski

Local police have been perplexed by 35 recent instances of “encouraging” graffiti in Isla Vista and at UCSB.

February 6, 2017

Sorority Sally Confused About Muslin Ban

By Sorority Sally

Sally considers the different points of views on the Muslin ban, but ultimately doesn’t understand the controversy.

February 3, 2017

U Can Study Blonde: Elle Woods Goes Gaucho for Fashion Merchandising Ph.D.

By Jasmine Vaughn

After completing a campus visit and tour yesterday, Harvard Law graduate and political activist Elle Woods made her decision to enroll at UC Santa Barbara official by submitting her statement of intent to register.

February 2, 2017

New Plans to Deal With DP Cliff-Slide Risk

By Jenny De La Cuadra

Recent events surrounding the cliffslide and mandatory demolition at 6653 Del Playa have seen a shift in the design philosophy of oceanside property owners.