Year after year the greatest and srattiest among all college students rise up to the challenge of recording their blacked Cabo Spring Breaks on various social media platforms. Those whose douche levels don’t exceed suffocating amounts are left to return to their hometowns and endure a week of questions from their parental figures and sit in envy as they vicariously experience the glory that is Cabo. Don’t want to cry profusely out of jealousy while avoiding your neighbor’s attempts to recruit you into his meth lab? Then follow these seven easy steps to create Cabo in your backyard!
1. One of the best parts of Cabo is the very real danger of beheading and kidnapping that lay outside the resort you’re in. However, the risk that you’ll drunkenly wander into one of El Chapo’s cocaine staches gives the entire experience a heightened fun factor. Therefore, initially you have to squat a small plot of land, preferably already in use, in the “bad part of town.” This allows for some of the danger to be imbued into your DIY Cabo experience.
2. Find all of the sand possible and make an island in the middle of your land plot. For added aesthetic appeal and a confidence boost, create a moat out of El Jimador, Jose Cuervo and whatever other plandle bullshit you can find and proclaim yourself the king of your island. Also, you should probably name it something clever like poundtown.
3. To complete the aesthetic, illegally obtain various articles of women’s clothes, empty beer cans, 12 inflatable beach balls and 76 “Cabo” headbands. Take these and strew them across your island in various states of tattered.
4. Secede from the United States and make everything legal in your small dictatorship. This should include, but is not be limited to, underage drinking, cocaine, possession of firearms without appropriate documentation, stealing birth certificates of people from other countries and the trafficking of black market items like rhino horns and dragon eggs.
5. Send out invites and have all of the girls come. Preferably these will be blacked sorority girls who magically speak only Spanish and body language for the week. Minimal clothing will be necessary to show off their burnt-to-charcoal Cabo tans.
6. Begin drinking as soon as you wake up. Drink a Four Loko mimosa for breakfast instead of food. Not eating means it’ll take fewer calories to get you shitfaced. This is good because your body is a temple and you don’t want all the effort you put into your Spring Break diet to go to waste over a few extra six-packs.
7. BLACK. If you remember Spring Break, you didn’t do it right.
Sophie is a first-year aspiring srat star with minors in body language and tequila avoidance who just wants to avoid her hometown.