After weeks of silence, I have decided it is time for me to make my statement. I know many of you have been waiting for this moment, so I will keep this short and to the point. Why the hell are so many of you conflicted about my presence? I mean, I am literally a cup.

For those of you taking my presence as an affront to the “Christian values” of this country and as another assault against the “War on Christmas,” you are making me feel very attacked right now. We had such a great run the last few decades when I had snowmen, deer and other winter designs, but now that I’m just plain red, you have turned against me. Suddenly, you all mock me and draw all over my face as if I am just a piece of cardboard you can take advantage of. I am a real cup with real feelings. I cannot help that a bunch of people at Starbucks corporate wanted to streamline my look with a minimalistic approach. Why would anyone want to hurt something so bad for the way that it was made?

For my social justice warriors, hear me out. I love that you fight the good fight online. You have all faithfully stood by me with your comments on your family members’ Facebook posts and in other social media outlets. However, I am going to need you to stop with the hypersensitivity. My design this year is nothing more than a modernization meant to keep up with the times. People like minimal these days, so I was created to reflect that. My design is in no way making a commentary on political correctness. I mean, do you really think that my designers were thinking, “We should make something that will be inclusive for all people!”? No, the only thing that they had in mind was, “It is getting cold out and people are going to want a warm beverage out of a seasonal cup.” They want to reflect the tastes of the masses, so here I am! Again, thank you, but no thank you.

All in all, I will say that you have way too much time on your hands if you are complaining about little old me. Why are you worrying so much about my design and not the fact that there are millions of other cups just like me destroying the environment? Or, I don’t know, have you been paying attention to what ISIS has been up to lately? While it is nice to be the center of attention, for good or bad, there are a lot more important things going on out there other than whether or not I do or do not have the Nativity scene branded on my ass.