Zoey Brandt

May 9, 2017

Student Trains Homing Pigeons After Breaking iPhone

By Zoey Brandt

Columbidae, whose phone was broken in a bike accident, says he got the idea when he looked up from the pavement and saw a pigeon staring at him.

March 13, 2017

Top 5 Spots for Cathartic Screaming on Campus

By Zoey Brandt

As finals week approaches, the desire to let out some of your stress in the form of a socially unacceptable shriek may threaten to overwhelm you.

February 20, 2017

President Obama to Join the National Tour Cast of ‘Hamilton: An American Musical’

By Zoey Brandt

While the Obamas do plan on taking some more time off, the former POTUS has recently announced his plans to join the touring national cast of “Hamilton.”

February 9, 2017

Missing Girl Found After Going into Hiding To Avoid Giving Ride

By Zoey Brandt

Missing UCSB student Jill Crosswell was found alive yesterday morning at 5:00 a.m.

January 30, 2017

Local Girl Arrested in Relation to Spoon Homicide

By Zoey Brandt

“She had it coming! I warned her, but that spoon was still in the sink when I got home.”

November 4, 2016

6 Steps to Surviving Parents Weekend

By Zoey Brandt

After six weeks of glorious freedom and no one but your roommates to judge you for your bad life decisions, the parental units will be in I.V. in full force this weekend.

October 7, 2016

What Does Your Lecture Hall Seat Say About You?

By Zoey Brandt

You can tell a lot about a person from their official unassigned spot.

May 24, 2016

Haikus to Student Health

By Zoey Brandt

A series of Haikus dedicated to the unique experience of going to Student Health.

May 19, 2016

Quiz: Which UCSB Lecture Hall Are You?

By Zoey Brandt

Now you can sort everyone into a new set of arbitrary labels to your heart’s content.

April 22, 2016

Lecture Survival Tips: How To Stay Awake in Class

By Zoey Brandt

Soon you’ll be fending off so many stress dreams that you won’t even want to fall asleep!

April 12, 2016

Incoming Freshman Outbreak Threatens To Overrun UCSB

By Zoey Brandt

Hordes of high school seniors swarmed campus following the release of a virus known as "letters of admission."

April 11, 2016

5 Movies That Need To Be Made

By Zoey Brandt

Every year, it seems like the same movies are released over and over again just under different names. Here are my suggestions that I think would mix things up a bit...

February 28, 2016

Leaked From the Future: Leo’s Best Actor Acceptance Speech

By Zoey Brandt

"I mean, after all this time … after all this time … you bastards finally gave me an Oscar."

November 17, 2015

10 Isla Vista Commandments

By Zoey Brandt

Trumpeted by the thundering waves, bellowing frat boys and wailing sirens of a Friday night in Isla Vista, the great Chancellor Yang descended upon one unworthy Nexus writer to set forth a set of rules to govern the stud...

October 22, 2015

Eight DIY Halloween Costumes

By Zoey Brandt

With Halloween just a couple weeks away, the panic to find the perfect costume is setting in. Getting the stuff necessary to become the perfect Daenerys Targaryen or Donald Trump can get pretty expensive. So grab your du...