Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

June 27, 2016

Freshman Returns Home for Summer, Is Terrible

By Ariana Marmolejo

Thanks to three quarters of undergrad, Nelson claims to have learned much on topics ranging from plate tectonics and statistics to Jägermeister, marijuana and having sex all the time.

June 20, 2016

PETA Mistakes Freebirds for Poultry Activism Group, Backpedals After Seeing Nachos

By Emily Williams

Earlier this year, the group publicly endorsed the restaurant for its “pro-bird activism,” despite the fact that no member had set foot inside the establishment.

May 30, 2016

Clinton, Sanders Drop Out of Race, Chancellor Yang Set To Run

By Gia Cephal

A regular superhero, Yang plans to fulfill his duties as chancellor for the remainder of the year while simultaneously running a full-fledged campaign.

May 24, 2016

Haikus to Student Health

By Zoey Brandt

A series of Haikus dedicated to the unique experience of going to Student Health.

May 19, 2016

Quiz: Which UCSB Lecture Hall Are You?

By Zoey Brandt

Now you can sort everyone into a new set of arbitrary labels to your heart’s content.

May 17, 2016

New Starbucks in the UCen: Proposed UCSB-Themed Secret Menu

By Erin Lubitz

With a new Starbucks location coming to the UCSB campus, it's time to take a look at some proposed off-the-menu options.

May 13, 2016

Friday the 13th Is Coming For You

By Sir Spooks-a-Lot

Inescapable curses await you if you dare to step outside today.

May 11, 2016

To Taste Portola: A Flavorscape

By Ariana Marmolejo

This week in the review that no one asked for, I will be analyzing the flavorscape of UCSB’s infamous dining common, Portola.

May 9, 2016

Sorority Sally vs. Frat Phil: Top Netflix Picks for Every Sitch

By Sorority Sally, Fraternity Phil

We dive all up in our young Netflix queues to give you some fiery suggestions for all your basic lit-uations.

May 6, 2016

Kardashians Spell Doom for Democracy, Says Professor

By Erin Lubitz

He decided that America had failed him and that the American political system was so overrun by E! News and Bravo that there was no chance for it to ever be resurrected.

May 5, 2016

Make it Through Midterms with Minimal Misery

By Alexandra Retter

Midterm season never ends, so why should your suffering?

April 27, 2016

President Trump Implements Project to ‘Make Isla Vista Great Again’

By Jasmine Vaughn

Local residents were graced with the presence of President Trump when he stopped as part of his multi-step program, “Make Isla Vista Great Again.”

April 22, 2016

Lecture Survival Tips: How To Stay Awake in Class

By Zoey Brandt

Soon you’ll be fending off so many stress dreams that you won’t even want to fall asleep!

April 19, 2016

Broke Students Say ‘F*$& $500 GA passes,’ Hold Libchella on Davidson Lawn

By A. Gaucho

"I can’t event tell the difference between Libchella and the real thing when scrolling through my Instagram feed."

April 15, 2016

Student Passes Arbor Unscathed, but at Great Cost

By Ariana Marmolejo

Yesterday a student reportedly made it through the Arbor without a single organization trying to persuade him towards their cause. Yet, while this may appear to be every Gaucho's dream, it was this students worst nightm...