Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

October 24, 2016

Even Sorority Sally Registered to Vote

By Sorority Sally

If you’re a local unregistered GDI who wants to go around bashing sorority girls, then THINK AGAIN.

October 20, 2016

Celebratory Soccer Tortillas Recycled to Portola Dining

By Vianna Mabanag

“The grass blades and dirt specks complement the lettuce and meat quite nicely,” said Portola Chef Bruno Moretti.

October 19, 2016

Report: Snoop Dogg, Rick Astley Among Future Nobel Laureates

By Isaac Mikulski

“Dogg consumes so much hash that he is the physical manifestation of peace."

October 18, 2016

QUIZ: When Will You Peak?

By Ariana Marmolejo

After you hit that point, it’s pretty much all downhill from there. Take this incredibly important and accurate test to figure out the trajectory of your life so you can plan accordingly.

October 15, 2016

The Essential Isla Vista Fashion Guide

By Jasmine Vaughn

Most seasoned Gauchos have learned these lessons the hard way, but even the most experienced partiers can learn from these useful tips for getting ready before your next rager.

October 13, 2016

Freshman Still Circling Roundabout 3 Weeks Later

By A. Gaucho

“Eh, I think I’ll just take a couple more laps to be safe, those bikers really come out of nowhere.”

October 11, 2016

A Philosophical Reading of The Kardashians

By Mia Roncati

Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, and Kapitalism: a klose konceptual look at important social issues, addressed by the foremost thinkers of our time.

October 9, 2016

Left or Right, Get Hammered Tonight: A Presidential Debate Drinking Game

By A. Gaucho

If global warming isn't real, neither is alcohol poisoning.

October 7, 2016

What Does Your Lecture Hall Seat Say About You?

By Zoey Brandt

You can tell a lot about a person from their official unassigned spot.

October 5, 2016

Summer Tour Guide Spotted Still Walking Backward

By Jake Feder

Greyson Phillips has not stopped walking backward since his last University-sanctioned campus tour well over a month ago.

October 3, 2016

Beating Festival FOMO: 8 New Events Selling Overpriced Day Passes

By Ariana Marmolejo

For those of you who missed Coachella, you may have experienced a bout of FOMO, or the “fear of missing out.”

September 30, 2016

Professor Creates Add Code Competition, Mass Casualties Ensue

By Emily Anne Williams

The competition consists of four stages: a chariot race, a steel cage wrestling match, jousting, and finally a multiple choice exam.

September 28, 2016

Unsure Student Desperately Searches for Confirmation They’re in Correct Classroom

By Jasmine Vaughn

"If someone in front of me could pull up their G.O.L.D. or write the class title on the top of their page, I would feel a lot better right now."

September 26, 2016

Sorority Sally Goes 2 Weeks Without Social Media, Narrowly Survives

By Sorority Sally

Day 3: Have re-activated Facebook accidentally through Spotify. The whole chapter has been fined for my negligence, and my Spotify privileges have been revoked.