I wanna be the very best

like no one ever was.

But I’m stuck here in Pallet Town,

a dreamer with no cause.


Pokémon are everywhere,

from Dogshit Park to Sands,

but I can’t catch any of them,

and nobody understands.


I wanna join Team Valor

and rule the gym at Storke Tower,

but a man without Pokémon

is a man without power.


Why, you ask, am I not outside?

Travellin’ across the land, searchin’ far and wide?


Here’s my reply:

No matter how many downloads I try,

my phone can’t handle Pokémon Go.

My login screen freezes and my PokéBalls won’t throw!

So I’m gloomier than a Gloom,

with Poké-Go-FOMO…


“See that Squirtle?” my buddy asks.

“Let’s go catch him, he’s in the grass!”

Immediately my heart sinks with sadness,

for I can’t partake in such Pokémon madness.


So while everyone’s out using their legs,

evolving their Eevee’s and hatching their eggs,

making progress on their Pokémon journeys,

leveling up and winning PokéStop tourneys,

I sit idly at home, bored to tears,

as my PokéMaster dream disappears.


From deep down inside

my rage burns bright,

like the tail of a Charizard

as it takes flight.

If I can’t have Pokémon,

nobody should!

I’m deprived of reliving

my sweet childhood!

So I go to Abrego,

where Team Rocket resides,

I drop off my resume,

full of evil and lies.

Team Rocket then asks,

“Wanna steal Pokémon with our super-cool clan?

You’ll make a fine thief and look kinda like Batman!”

I shout “YES!”

with a mean Ghastly grin.

“I can’t wait to wreak havoc,

and Zubat-attack PokéGyms!”


So then Abra Kadabra, Alakazam!

I joined the heinous Team Rocket fam…

So hide yo’ Nidorans, hide yo’ Nidoqueen,

clad in black I’ll be arriving on scene.

I’ll find you PokéMasters sleeping, your Snorlaxes snoring.

I’m gonna steal your phones

before ya wake up Drowzee in the morning!

So call the cops, call your profs,

Team Rocket blasted off again.

I just sold your phone on Craigslist,

you’ve lost your Pokémon friends!


All I wanted to do

was train Pokémon like you.

Walkin’ through parks

catchin’ Pikachu.

But you made me so mad

with this PokéGo fad

that I joined Team Rocket … I’m officially bad!

So keep dividing yourselves

between Valor, Instinct and Mystic.

I find your petty disagreements so simplistic.



Team Rocket reigns supreme in I.V.,

and we won’t just steal your stupid Caterpie.

Your Dragonite, your Nidoking, your Raichu’s what we’re after,

You’ll be crying so loud,

we’ll be dying of laughter!

Once all your Pokémon are stolen,

and your sorrow turns to hate,

you’ll see an opportunity golden:


Join Team Rocket

be the best like no one ever was.

Stealing Pokemon shall be your quest,

you’ll finally have a cause!

Get out of Pallet Town — that terrible place —

join Team Rocket,

and Pokemon trainers you will chase!