Emily Anne Williams

March 20, 2018

Student with Poor Music Taste Suffers Ruptured Eardrums in Davidson

By Emily Anne Williams

“I wish I had listened to my mom when I still could."

January 19, 2018

Study Abroad Student Misses Memo, Shows Up 1 Week Early

By Emily Anne Williams

The TAs then handed out the exams, and the professor wrote the time remaining on the board. Still, Sanders remained clueless.

December 8, 2017

10 Stages of Finals Week

By Emily Anne Williams

Despair. Pizza cravings. Yerba Mate. More despair. Finals season brings on a whole wave of feelings. Here is what a typical finals week looks like.

July 28, 2017

Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

By Emily Anne Williams

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”

July 24, 2017

Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

By Emily Anne Williams

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.

July 18, 2017

Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

By Emily Anne Williams

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.

May 18, 2017

U.S. Interferes in North Carrillo Lunch

By Emily Anne Williams

Chaos ensued last week when a local office for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration booked Carillo’s Mountainview Room for a staff meeting.

May 11, 2017

Student Crumbles in Spring Quarter, Asks Parents For Money

By Emily Anne Williams

A UCSB student lost her pride this weekend when she finally succumbed to poverty and asked her mom to transfer some money to her bank account.

April 4, 2017

Drunken Basket Stealer Shows No Remorse in Court

By Emily Anne Williams

“Yeah, I did it, and I’d gladly do it again. Those baskets knew what they were in for. Zip ties ain’t got nothing on me.”

March 21, 2017

5 Most Romantic Spaces in the Library

By Emily Anne Williams

Are you afraid the love of your life might slip away because all you can think about are blue books and essay prompts? Have no fear! Nexustentialism is here to save your unraveling relationships.

January 31, 2017

Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

By Emily Anne Williams

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”

January 26, 2017

Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

By Emily Anne Williams

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.

January 18, 2017

Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

By Emily Anne Williams

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”

December 25, 2016

Santa Rescued from Sinking Sleigh by Heroic Surfers

By Emily Anne Williams

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” second-year environmental studies Joseph Wilkins, one of the rescuers, said.

October 25, 2016

Student Rushing Kappa Kappa Kappa Doesn’t Realize the Klan is not a Frat

By Emily Anne Williams

“They were always wearing their robes and hoods, they chanted. I thought that’s what Greek organizations did.”

September 30, 2016

Professor Creates Add Code Competition, Mass Casualties Ensue

By Emily Anne Williams

The competition consists of four stages: a chariot race, a steel cage wrestling match, jousting, and finally a multiple choice exam.