Alex Ngase / Daily Nexus

On Thursday evening a cyber attack targeting Starbucks franchises across America resulted in thousands of beverages being given away at no cost to consumers. At approximately 4:30 p.m., a call was made to corporate headquarters alleging that cash registers were only totaling zero. The company’s chief technology officer Bernard Hobbs reportedly told cashiers to simply “go with it.” Now intelligence officials are reporting that they traced the hack back to the Kremlin.  

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.” The coffee conglomerate has not stated how much the two-hour long glitch cost them. However, officials told the Daily Nexus they planned to make up for the deficit this coming autumn.

“I thought it was about time,” Jacqueline Rowe, an unknown artist and self-proclaimed hipster, said. “I’ve been pouring money into this corporation for years; finally they’ve poured me a free drink. Maybe Putin isn’t such a bad guy after all.” The Russian ambassador claimed he had no idea what might have motivated the attack.

“I don’t think this was a Russian job,” he said. “We do not take a liking to Starbucks, but certainly President Putin has more important things to do than to target a glorified drug dealer.”


Emily Anne Williams is a second-year linguistics major who is addicted to caffeine but can’t comprehend spending six dollars on an American cup with an Italian size name.