13 Reasons Why Santa Sucks | The Daily Nexus

13 Reasons Why Santa Sucks

December 25, 2015 at 7:47 pm by Simone Dupuy

Despite what his name suggests, old Saint Nick is no saint. Here are a few reasons to stop idealizing this son of a nutcracker.

1.) He is a slave owner

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You think those elves are getting #paid? Hell no. Santa doesn’t even have an income other than cookies and milk, and we all know you’re not sharing those, fat man. Stop the inhumanity. Elvish rights now. Elvish rights forever.

2.) His business model is unsustainable

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That giant hole in the ozone over the North Pole? Santa’s doing. His year-round, slave-labor-driven factory work is polluting the Arctic to the brink of total destruction.

3.) He’s a bully

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Did Santa care that Rudolph was getting bullied until he could use the poor deer’s deformity for his own purposes? No. Hell no.

4.) I’m jealous of him

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All he eats is cookies and he doesn’t even have any cardiac issues. I want that life.

5.) He doesn’t read the Nexus

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Need I say more?

6.) He is a cog in the great machinery that is capitalism

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Exhibit A: all those Coca-Cola ads. Santa takes his sugar in cookie form and his liquid in milk form. What is this Coke nonsense? Case in point, he is a phony and a sellout.

7.) He didn’t get me that Easy Bake Oven when I was nine

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Asshole.

8.) He’s a bigot

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He only delivers to Christian kids in the first world. And how come the rich kids always get better presents? Season of giving my ass.

9.) He has no respect for your household

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Santa commits roughly 263,000,000 counts of trespassing every year. Plus, he straight up drinks milk for a solid night, so odds are he has farted in your home. The human biology isn’t meant to digest that much lactose.

10.) He is a known pedophile

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“He sees you when you’re sleeping.” I rest my case.

11.) He probably cares that the Starbucks cups don’t say “Merry Christmas” on them

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I feel like I don’t need to explain why this is stupid.

12.) He is a gluttonous sexist

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What is Santa doing while all his little elves slave away at his trade for 364 days a year? Sitting on his ass, judging children, watching them sleep, demanding that Mrs. Claus bring him cookies from her “rightful place” in the kitchen. Down with the patriarchy. Down with Santa.

13.) He indulges in extramarital affairs