Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Study Abroad Student Only Hooks Up With Other Americans

October 4, 2018 by

Much to her surprise and disappointment, third-year study abroad student Kelly Parker has only had sexual encounters with fellow Americans while studying abroad for the semester in Italy.
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FT Couple Tries Long Distance Relationship

October 2, 2018 by

While the distance between North and South towers may feel like an eternity, the couple has found a way to make it work.
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Freshman Guides: Biking on Campus

October 1, 2018 by

Here's some survival hacks for you newbies straight from an experienced cyclist of the streets of Isla Vista and campus!
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“Shut up Loser,” Says Yang to Freshman Who Didn’t Say Anything

September 28, 2018 by

In response to the slough of new first-years migrating to campus, Chancellor Henry T. Yang has reportedly adopted a noticeably more “top bitch” persona, in what experts are calling an effort to ...
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BREAKING: Sophomores Are Cooler Than You

September 27, 2018 by

Breaking: incoming second-year Betty Razi is finally ready to demonstrate her newfound sense of maturity to the wittle baby freshmen.
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How to Party in Isla Vista

September 26, 2018 by

As a seasoned I.V. resident and partygoer, allow me to impart some of my wisdom upon you...
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5 Girls You Will Meet at UCSB Based on Bathroom Graffiti

September 25, 2018 by

Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!
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Freshman Wonders if Beach is More Than Just Background for Hot Bikini Pics – Decides No.

September 24, 2018 by

It was recently reported that freshman and licensed blonde person Nikki Ehrlich had half a revelation over the weekend during an excursion to Sands with friend and beta brunette Claire Graisman.
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Local Catcaller To Take Leave of Absence After Recently Learning None of the Women He Harasses Actually Want His Dick

September 21, 2018 by

In what has so far been a trying week, local catcaller Steven Johnson released a statement on Monday declaring that he would be taking a personal leave after word broke that none of the women he haras...
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Friend Who Just Bought Eight Ball Still Can’t Pay You Back Those Six Bucks

September 20, 2018 by

Claiming that he just doesn’t have that kind of money right now, your friend who just bought a $200 eight ball of cocaine still can’t pay you back those six bucks right now.
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5 Things UCSB Was Already Number 5 In

September 12, 2018 by

Now that UCSB has moved up the ranks to stand as the fifth-best public university in the nation, here are five other impressive things that UCSB was already No. 5 in!
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It’s Summer, Here’s a Retrospective of Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End

September 4, 2018 by

Listen man, it’s past 12, I’ve eaten three Eggo waffles and haven’t showered since last Thursday. Here’s my retrospective analysis of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End.”
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Study Finds Eating Ass Boosts Your Immune System

August 24, 2018 by

Led by main researcher Joey Zones, a team of ecology graduate students at UC Santa Barbara discovered that eating ass helps to boost your immune system.
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Just Some of the Terrible Things That Could Happen During Freshman Year

August 23, 2018 by

Are you worried about all of the potentially horrible things that could happen to you your freshman year? Well you should be. Disaster lurks around every corner, so be prepared for any of the followin...
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First Three People Freshman Encounters Seemingly Become Best Friends For Rest of College

August 23, 2018 by

Bonding over living on the same floor, loving avocados and enjoying getting shithouse plastered four nights a week, freshman Bailey Simpson stumbled upon her three best friends for the rest of college...
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