Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Freshman Wonders if Beach is More Than Just Background for Hot Bikini Pics – Decides No.

September 24, 2018 by

It was recently reported that freshman and licensed blonde person Nikki Ehrlich had half a revelation over the weekend during an excursion to Sands with friend and beta brunette Claire Graisman.
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Local Catcaller To Take Leave of Absence After Recently Learning None of the Women He Harasses Actually Want His Dick

September 21, 2018 by

In what has so far been a trying week, local catcaller Steven Johnson released a statement on Monday declaring that he would be taking a personal leave after word broke that none of the women he haras...
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Friend Who Just Bought Eight Ball Still Can’t Pay You Back Those Six Bucks

September 20, 2018 by

Claiming that he just doesn’t have that kind of money right now, your friend who just bought a $200 eight ball of cocaine still can’t pay you back those six bucks right now.
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5 Things UCSB Was Already Number 5 In

September 12, 2018 by

Now that UCSB has moved up the ranks to stand as the fifth-best public university in the nation, here are five other impressive things that UCSB was already No. 5 in!
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It’s Summer, Here’s a Retrospective of Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End

September 4, 2018 by

Listen man, it’s past 12, I’ve eaten three Eggo waffles and haven’t showered since last Thursday. Here’s my retrospective analysis of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End.”
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Study Finds Eating Ass Boosts Your Immune System

August 24, 2018 by

Led by main researcher Joey Zones, a team of ecology graduate students at UC Santa Barbara discovered that eating ass helps to boost your immune system.
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Just Some of the Terrible Things That Could Happen During Freshman Year

August 23, 2018 by

Are you worried about all of the potentially horrible things that could happen to you your freshman year? Well you should be. Disaster lurks around every corner, so be prepared for any of the followin...
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First Three People Freshman Encounters Seemingly Become Best Friends For Rest of College

August 23, 2018 by

Bonding over living on the same floor, loving avocados and enjoying getting shithouse plastered four nights a week, freshman Bailey Simpson stumbled upon her three best friends for the rest of college...
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Top 10 Places in I.V. Where Boys Have Made Me Cry

August 16, 2018 by

Whether you can relate to this or it makes you feel better about your own healthy relationships, here’s a list of the top 10 places a boy has made me cry in I.V.!
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Style Watch: JORTS

August 14, 2018 by

We sent reporter Hannah Jackson deep into Eastern Europe to forecast the hottest trends, soon to be coming our way: JORTS.
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Internship Reveals Run of the Mill Trajectory of Rest of Life

August 7, 2018 by

Noting the rampant bitterness of his superiors for their long hours and monotonous daily routines, accounting intern Jackson Conners confirmed the unremarkable essence of the remainder of his days as ...
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How to Be Country in I.V.

July 31, 2018 by

We all know how country folk are regarded in Isla Vista, so here are some tips on living a country life in I.V.  
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10 Things You Can Buy Now That Tuition is $60 Cheaper

July 24, 2018 by

Now that your tuition is lowered by $60, here's what you can buy with all that extra cash! Thanks, UC Regents!
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Best Places To Get Sunburned at UCSB

July 17, 2018 by

UCSB is a notoriously sunny and beautiful place. Here are the top five places to soak up the sun and get burned way faster than you’re willing to admit to any of your friends!
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A Look Into Your Sole

July 10, 2018 by

Take a quick look to see what your shoe choice says about you!
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