Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

June 4, 2018

127 minutes: This student’s arm was stuck under her Hookup’s sleeping body

By Emma Demorest

Second-year Eden Whisman this week is being hailed a hero after surviving 127 grueling minutes pinned under the sleeping body of her weekend hookup.

June 1, 2018

Anything Could Be a Sex Toy if You Try Hard Enough: UCSB Edition

By Phyllis Phallus

It’s a well-known fact that UCSB is home to some of the kinkiest motherfuckers out there, so it’s about goddamn time we up the stakes with some good old sex toys inspired by this college!

May 31, 2018

Why Am I the Only Person Who Cannot Find a Cocaine???

By Hannah Jackson

Well everyone, it’s happened again. I could not find a single cocaine to purchase this Saturday night.

May 30, 2018

The #Plategate Scandal

By Kian Karamdashti

It all started approximately three months ago when, after a joyous Sunday morning breakfast, an unidentified member of your house put a dirty plate in the, gasp, clean dish rack.

May 25, 2018

Coffee Spill in Harold Frank Hall Befouls Five Backpacks

By Clayton Alexander

In a press briefing early this morning, CSO Chief, Copson Robberts, confirmed the rumors that a total of five backpacks were destroyed in an unfortunate coffee accident in Harold Frank Hall’s main lecturing hall.

May 24, 2018

Student Taking Grad Photos at Henley Gate Almost Gets Run Over

By Erin Lubitz

In a developing story, senior Jenny Lawrence almost got run over by four different cars while taking her grad photos at Henley Gate this past Monday.

May 23, 2018

Another Trash Article by Daily Nexus Reporter

By Mookie

A failed high school rapper and even more unfortunate writer was sighted last week publishing articles in school newspaper The Daily Nexus.

May 22, 2018

Wow! This Student Cleared an Entire Row by Mouth-Breathing!

By Hannah Jackson

Exasperated by cramped lecture hall seating comparable only to that of the economy class of a budget airline, local freshman Tyler Franklin has decided to take a stand.