Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

UC SANTA BARBARA – Led by main researcher Joey Zones, a team of ecology graduate students at UC Santa Barbara discovered that eating ass helps to boost your immune system. This study was conducted by comparing ass eaters to a control group of squares. From their work, researchers found that ass-eaters were 33 percent less likely to catch airborne illnesses, such as the common cold and influenza.

“The numbers don’t lie,” commented Student Health representative Jana Hackson. “Eating ass saves lives.”

She continued on to note that if a student came in after having contracted more than two airborne illnesses per quarter, student health would prescribe “analingus” twice a week, more commonly known as ass eating.

Researchers took saliva samples from participants searching for traces of truffle butter to indicate analingus occurrence. It was discovered that those with higher traces of truffle butter in their saliva had a stronger immunity to common airborne illnesses as opposed to those without traces of truffle butter in their saliva.

“I wanted to take my health into my own hands,” said third-year Ashley Carlson. “So I decided to start eating ass.”

Due to this newfound trend of ass eating, statistically fewer people have been getting sick within the UCSB community.

“I mean, it’s 2018. Who isn’t eating ass?” Carlson continued.

Due to this groundbreaking research from the UCSB community, UC officials and the greater health community have taken a stand in support of analingus and this research. This only goes to show the power UC holds to truly make an impactful difference in the world around it. Together, anything is possible.

To quote lead researcher Joey Zones, “An ass a day keeps the doctor away.”

Hannah Jackson / Daily Nexus


Ollie Tanasse has not contracted the common cold in two years.