Now that UCSB has moved up the ranks to stand as the fifth-best public university in the nation, here are five other impressive things that UCSB was already No. 5 in:
5. Dining-commons-borne illnesses
Solely thanks to Portola, UCSB leads the nation as No. 5 in illnesses borne from dining commons. UCSB follows closely behind Boise State, University of Phoenix, Fresno City College and, surprisingly, Columbia University. Your cases of hepatitis did not go unnoticed, Gauchos!
4. Amount of shattered 40s on the streets
Glass litters the streets of I.V., making it impossible for both humans and dogs alike to safely navigate their ways home. To much dismay, UCSB is, in fact, not the nation’s leader in broken glass, but instead holds fifth place.
3. Shittiest school newspapers
Enough said, am I right ladies? UCSB has the fifth-shittiest school paper in the nation! Thanks, Nexus!
2. Alcohol Poisoning
Make as many noise ordinances as you want! We can still silently destroy our livers past 10 p.m. on weeknights. That’s dedication!
1. Daddy issues
There’s a reason that the student body collectively works to mold the image of their Chancellor into the man they wish was there for them in their childhood: UCSB is one of the nation’s leaders in having daddy issues! Don’t you wish your real dad was around to see this accomplishment?
Ollie Tanasse is the fifth-worst date you will ever have.