Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

How to Survive UCSB Flu Season

October 31, 2019 by

  It’s that time of year again — the skeletons are both spooky and scary, the usually bustling streets of Isla Vista have grown hauntingly quiet and during lecture, you’re surrounded on all...
read more

Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

October 30, 2019 by

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang ...
read more

Wikihow: How to spell Nexustentialism

October 25, 2019 by

  Step 1: Check to see if you have a brain Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s your cerebral cortex, silly! Give your ol’ dome a couple of hearty taps with your knuckles to make sure that little...
read more

C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

October 24, 2019 by

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
read more

Diversity Win: Sorority Has Two Brunettes AND a Redhead!

October 18, 2019 by

  Sororities are known for many things — the cult-like, ahem, cute chants and hand signals, the iconic squat and, of course, a homogenous hue of golden-to-brassy heads. Brilliantly, however, UC...
read more

Five Most Eco-Friendly Ways to Get Shit-Faced

October 17, 2019 by

Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up ...
read more

Asbestos in Ceiling Won’t Stop I.V. Rapper’s Mixtape From Being Fire

October 14, 2019 by

Popular I.V. rapper Lil’ Bestos has been preaching defiance after realizing that there is asbestos in his new I.V. apartment. “When I heard that this ‘asbestos’ is a fire retardant,” Bestos ...
read more

Freshman Gets Trapped in Middle of Storke Tower Bike Loop, Has Panic Attack, Is Rescued

October 10, 2019 by

In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became tr...
read more

Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

October 10, 2019 by

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
read more

BREAKING: Rival Mascots Olé Gaucho and Musty the Mustang Caught in Affair

October 10, 2019 by

It’s the time of year when our beloved Blue-Green rivalry is in full swing. Soccer players are soccer playing, Gauchos are Loco-ing and everyone is perfecting their “Fuck Cal Poly” cheers.  But...
read more

Best and Worst Majors by Smell

October 8, 2019 by

  We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, ...
read more

UCSB Mountain Lion: Where Is He Now?

October 3, 2019 by

  The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made...
read more

Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

October 1, 2019 by

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
read more

A Brief History of Storke Tower

October 1, 2019 by

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
read more

Freshman and Former NASA Intern Can’t Wrap Head Around Bike Loops

September 26, 2019 by

  A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.  Stein, despite grad...
read more