Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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Breaking: It has recently dawned on incoming junior Marissa Torrez that close friend and housemate Alexandra Lee manages each year to somehow have all the internships. Amidst many Facebook posts voi...
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This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the not...
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First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drink...
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Summer school means that I take a lot of shits on campus, because I don’t have time to go home between classes, work and my internship. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of the best and the worst re...
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In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets o...
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Though many students think of summer as providing perfect day-drinking weather and not much else, it is also prime time for renovations across campus. As if there weren’t enough construction ...
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Second-year communication major Luke Hampton is spending his summer on the lowest possible rung of the corporate ladder and is having a really awesome time, in case you were wondering. Accordin...
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A little known fact about college is that it’s actually just like high school, if you can’t get in with the cool kids, you may as well be out. As the social hierarchy of our fine university...
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With summer just starting up, UCSB students are searching for that perfect darty outfit staple. One student, Teah Tee, found one that she claims “totally finishes all of her outfits” — a piercin...
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We’ve all heard it said that there’s nothing like a summer in Isla Vista. However, some Gauchos would rather skurt after turning in their last blue book and return to their hometown, feeling oblig...
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Famous survivalist Bear Grylls announced on Twitter last night that for his next television special, he would be spending a week in the bathroom at Buchanan Hall. “I’ve survived under som...
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My roommates like to surprise me by not telling me any information whatsoever. I don’t even blame them; it makes life more thrilling. So, you can imagine my surprise when all three of my roommates s...
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In an unsurprising yet disappointing series of photos, it would appear that local senior and alcoholic Becca Chugg took her graduation photos in SOS Liquor, citing the memories and lessons learned fro...
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As the end of the year approaches, graduating seniors in romantic relationships are faced with a difficult decision: marry their college sweetheart or break up with them. Seeing that breaking up is mu...
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“Greased Lightnin’” from “Grease”
Sunset waltz from “La La Land”
“Thriller” by Michael Jackson
Frat flick
“Macarena” by Los Del Río
“Gangnam Style” by PSY
“Swan Lake” by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Renegade
“Cell Block Tango” from “Chicago”
“The Last Text” from “Dance Moms”
Flossing
All of “Hamilton”
