Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
In the wake of a series of vaping-related maladies across the country, researchers in the UC Santa Barbara biology department have recently conducted a study regarding the mortality rates of in...
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Straight up: flavored cream cheese can fuck all the way off. Simply put, we should all have a personal vendetta against this creamy, bullshit concoction designed to ruin the pristine delicacy that is ...
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Using advanced, highly sensitive technology that we won’t bother to explain now, Nexustentialism was able to catch up with your 2010 self and fill them in on all that you’ve been up to over the pa...
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Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime aroun...
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In a recently published study, UCSB researchers estimate that the rate of crossing paths with your ex-lover at the library has climbed to a staggering 200% as finals draw near. The team notes that the...
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Local stoner Kelly Smith, better known by her Snapchat pseudonym “Phatty Dabz,” has recently been recognized by the community for the constant stream of smoking videos she uploads daily to her Sna...
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In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the p...
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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) See how long you can make your next fart last. You may be surprised by the result. GEMINI (May 21- June 20) Be on the watch for two farts for the price ...
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The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it...
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In a shocking but probably inevitable turn of events, the level of fucks given during section in Week Eight has dropped so low that not even the TA would answer his own question. An 8:00 a.m....
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1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announc...
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U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his ...
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Buying chaser can often be an afterthought. Sometimes, when you’re already starting the pregame, it’s too late to venture out into I.V. to actually buy some. We at Nexustentialism are here to brin...
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In what can only be described as an aggressive marketing tactic, CALPIRG has decided that enough is enough with regard to the disrespect it has taken over the years and wants the student body to know ...
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Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers. “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg ...
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“24K Magic” by Bruno Mars
“folklore” by Taylor Swift
“Jagged Little Pill” by Alanis Morissette
“Graceland” by Paul Simon
“25” by Adele
“The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill” by Lauryn Hill
“WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?” by Billie Eilish
“Falling into You” by Celine Dion
“Harry’s House” by Harry Styles
“Babel” by Mumford & Sons
“Random Access Memories” by Daft Punk
“Golden Hour” by Kacey Musgraves
