Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Summer Reading List: Isla Vista Edition

July 2, 2019 by

We’ve all heard it said that there’s nothing like a summer in Isla Vista. However, some Gauchos would rather skurt after turning in their last blue book and return to their hometown, feeling oblig...
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Bear Grylls to Spend Night in Buchanan Bathroom for Next Survival Challenge

June 28, 2019 by

  Famous survivalist Bear Grylls announced on Twitter last night that for his next television special, he would be spending a week in the bathroom at Buchanan Hall.  “I’ve survived under som...
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Confession: My Roommates are Subletting and I’m Scared

June 25, 2019 by

My roommates like to surprise me by not telling me any information whatsoever. I don’t even blame them; it makes life more thrilling. So, you can imagine my surprise when all three of my roommates s...
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Graduating Alcoholic Takes Grad Photos in SOS Liquor

June 6, 2019 by

In an unsurprising yet disappointing series of photos, it would appear that local senior and alcoholic Becca Chugg took her graduation photos in SOS Liquor, citing the memories and lessons learned fro...
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Senior Breaks Up With Sophomore Girlfriend

June 5, 2019 by

As the end of the year approaches, graduating seniors in romantic relationships are faced with a difficult decision: marry their college sweetheart or break up with them. Seeing that breaking up is mu...
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“Who do you know here,” Says TA at Professor’s Office Hours, Near Finals Week

June 5, 2019 by

As finals week creeps near, students across campus are gracing their professors’ office hours, many for the first time all quarter. This has led to massive overcrowding in the office hours for a The...
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Hot Takes with Jakey Fades

June 4, 2019 by

What is a hot take? I like slangit.com’s definition: “A hot take is a term that refers to a controversial opinion. It is referred to as ‘hot’ because it goes against the majority of opinions a...
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Missed Connection: You Ran Into Me on the Bike Path and It Was Love at First Collision

June 4, 2019 by

Among Free and For Sale’s desperate pleas for a subleaser and the demand for cute, trendy clothes, there exists a subset of the posts that are specifically tailored to one individual.
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TA of Monday Morning Discussion Section Gets Sexual Pleasure From Hearing What You Did This Weekend

June 3, 2019 by

It takes an especially driven person to become a TA for a class of undergraduate students and even more so for those brave souls who decide to take on discussion sections on Monday mornings. We at Nex...
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How to be Indie: As Told By a True Indie Gaucho

May 31, 2019 by

As an indie person at UCSB, I feel it’s so important to highlight the lifestyle and life choices of an Indie in the UCSB community, as we are so often marginalized by the many frat, srat and basic w...
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Ortega Chef Regains Sense of Taste After 20 Long Years

May 31, 2019 by

In an email from UCSB Housing, Dining & Auxiliary Enterprises, it was announced that the head chef and meal planner for Ortega Dining Commons has regained his sense of taste after 20 years of being be...
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Fear of Bad Evals Leads TA To Mutter Tentative F- Word

May 30, 2019 by

As we near the end of Spring Quarter, evaluations are imminent. TAs around campus are reporting a creeping feeling as if their future as graduate students could be ruined by a few asshole undergrads. ...
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Ollie Tabooger and The Never-Ender Senior Sender Bender

May 30, 2019 by

DEL PLAYA DRIVE — Late one fateful night on Week 9 of Spring Quarter, resident senior and party connoisseur Ollie Tabooger was hit with a fleeting epiphany. Reflecting on his last four years of part...
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I.V. Cop Consistently Outsmarted by Drunk Girl

May 28, 2019 by

Officer Gregory Dillweed has officially retired from I.V. Foot Patrol after 14 years of proud service because he could not overcome Isla Vista’s most dangerous natural predator: sassy drunk girls.
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Weekly Spotlight: Storke Tower Ducklings

May 24, 2019 by

It is with much delight that the Nexus presents the recipients of this week’s character spotlight: the Storke Plaza ducklings! These nine little angels have graced Storke Plaza pond with their lovel...
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