Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Upon the March 25 announcement that UC Santa Barbara officials had “no intention” to adjust tuition for a remote spring quarter, students were forced to face the harsh reality that all thei...
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With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson,...
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Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11...
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UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will person...
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SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the we...
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It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and ...
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In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of CO...
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Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brie...
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UCSB bore witness to a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle last week as Storke Tower’s countdown timer reached zero, its engines were ignited and it blasted off into the heavens. The roar deafened I.V. res...
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PHELPS HALL — A wave of disillusionment fell over the faces of 20 wide-eyed pupils Thursday upon their discovery that their beloved teaching assistant, lack of living wage and all, was not the mathe...
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UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to bel...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
