Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

May 12, 2020 by

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

May 6, 2020 by and

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!
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Local Bro Thinks the Ratio at His Childhood Home “Blows”

May 1, 2020 by

“My mom has no White Claws in the freezer, my little brother isn’t actually a chiller and on the off chance that someone here actually tosses, they all toss low,” Brohanski said.
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Student Health Now Offering Complimentary Circumcisions

April 29, 2020 by

Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what...
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Storke in the Age of COVID-19: UCSB’s Favorite Tower To Chime Each Hour on New Facebook Livestream

April 27, 2020 by

  Upon the March 25 announcement that UC Santa Barbara officials had “no intention” to adjust tuition for a remote spring quarter, students were forced to face the harsh reality that all thei...
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Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

April 24, 2020 by

  With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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Safety Win! This Student Cloroxed Her Spring Quarter Textbooks Even Though She’ll Never Open Them

April 20, 2020 by

With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson,...
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Sad! Girl in Quarantine Running Out of Boys to Drunk Text

April 16, 2020 by

  Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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Zoomtopia: A Recap

April 14, 2020 by

  Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11...
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C.A.P.S. To Offer Online Counseling in Form of Smiley Face PDF

April 6, 2020 by

UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will person...
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Uh Oh! Professor Accidentally Uploads Entire Campus to GauchoSpace

April 6, 2020 by

SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the we...
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Eight Alternatives for Toilet Paper in the Apocalypse

April 3, 2020 by

  It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and ...
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Push-Up Instagram Challenge Cures COVID-19

April 2, 2020 by

  In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of CO...
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Ted Cruz Extends Self-Quarantine Indefinitely Due to Popular Demand

March 10, 2020 by

Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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Freshman Taking Adderall for Intro Classes Fucked for Real Life

March 10, 2020 by

BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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