Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

February 18, 2021 by

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “t...
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New Zoom Update Allows You To Sort By Who’s Hottest

February 16, 2021 by

First, we send all the users who appear to be paying attention to the back to weed out the fucking nerds. Once they’re gone, we rate the rest of the participants on 145 different traits, including ...
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Office Hours With Professor The Most Intimate Valentine’s Day Local Woman Will Ever Have

February 12, 2021 by

Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a ...
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Mike’s Hard Vaccine To Be Distributed at Student Health

January 28, 2021 by

You can now make an appointment on GOLD to be administered Mike’s Hard Vaccine today, or find them being passed out at your local dayger.
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Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

January 27, 2021 by

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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Lea Toubian Wins A.S. Presidency in Landslide Five Votes

January 25, 2021 by

ISLA VISTA – In what experts are calling an unprecedented voter turnout, Lea Toubian was elected A.S. president earlier this month with a landslide of five votes and a total voter count of five. The...
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National Guard Calls in CSOs For Inauguration Security

January 20, 2021 by

WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice...
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Weekly COVID-19 Test Recipients Growing Bold, Kinky

January 18, 2021 by

UCSB recently made the decision to reopen select university-owned apartments for Winter 2021 in what we can only assume is an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money. The selective application process allo...
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Storke Tower Receives Vaccination, Grows 3 Inches

January 18, 2021 by

“The lengthening effect was witnessed almost immediately,” said the Student Health nurse who administered Storke the vaccine. “As was a slight increase in girth, though those effects have yet to...
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If You Like GauchoSpace, You’ll Love GauchoSpace Live

January 16, 2021 by

GauchoSpace Live and GauchoSpace Premium are in no way, shape or form based on PornHub Live and PornHub Premium. Students who suggest this will be expelled.
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Sad! Donald Trump Has Said “I Love You” to Domestic Terrorists More Than to Own Children

January 15, 2021 by

Likely one of the only times the Trump children have ever witnessed their father using the L-word so brazenly and yet so tenderly, it is almost certain that at least one of them (probably Eric) burst ...
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Brave! TPS Tirelessly Dishing Out Tickets Amidst Pandemic

January 11, 2021 by

“I never once thought about giving up,” third-year and all-around bland man Krac said. “I decided the least I could do was to give UCSB a smidge of normalcy during this tumultuous time.” 
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Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

January 9, 2021 by

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”
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Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen

January 8, 2021 by

“Where is Pelosi’s office?” one confused rioter asked as he entered the A.S. Food Bank and stumbled through several rows of canned goods.
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Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

January 3, 2021 by

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What...
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