Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

A Letter to the Editor

April 22, 2021 by

    X.    Varun Iyer was recently informed that he gets paid per article, not per letter.
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Amid Controversy, GauchoSpace Renamed to Space

April 21, 2021 by

Students demonstrated against the website by continuing to use it normally, which repeatedly caused the site to slow and crash at inconvenient times. One student described the protests as a “careful...
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6 People Covid Partiers Can Look Forward to Meeting in Hell

April 16, 2021 by

Isla Vista’s COVID partiers have made it clear that drinking on balconies and drinking on roofs (and – let’s face it – angering the PH in some Shein bikini) is more critical than the health an...
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7 Girl Bosses You Forgot To Appreciate in March

April 9, 2021 by

You may not have been appreciative of the many girl boss go-getters during the last Women’s History Month, but thankfully, there are many femme fatales out there who are deserving of praise! Here ar...
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UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

April 6, 2021 by

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death ...
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God Is Dead: 5 Exciting New Deities to Worship This Spring Quarter

April 6, 2021 by

Wow! With so many wonderful options, it’s hard to pick just one! We at Nexustentialism sincerely hope this map through the spiritual realm will land you in a place of inner peace this Spring.
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Report: It Rained

March 11, 2021 by

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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No Computer? No Problem! Four Hacks To Manage Your Way Through Online School, Laptop-Free

March 10, 2021 by

Breakthrough laptop-free hacks include: Read a book, or pretend to be Amish.
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Inspiring! Ex-COVID Partygoer Learns New Skill: How To Have Compassion for Others

February 24, 2021 by

According to our sources, partiers are unable to spell difficult words like “vaccination” or “empathy,” and they can’t differentiate between “your” and “you’re,” which should have ...
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Reverse Cowgirl Use Up 150% Amid Pandemic, Studies Show

February 23, 2021 by

Due to COVID, our sources have reported that many individuals have not “busted a nut” in months. However, for the small demographic who aren’t fucking losers and totally fuck, a creative way to ...
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Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

February 22, 2021 by

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

February 18, 2021 by

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “t...
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New Zoom Update Allows You To Sort By Who’s Hottest

February 16, 2021 by

First, we send all the users who appear to be paying attention to the back to weed out the fucking nerds. Once they’re gone, we rate the rest of the participants on 145 different traits, including ...
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Office Hours With Professor The Most Intimate Valentine’s Day Local Woman Will Ever Have

February 12, 2021 by

Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a ...
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Mike’s Hard Vaccine To Be Distributed at Student Health

January 28, 2021 by

You can now make an appointment on GOLD to be administered Mike’s Hard Vaccine today, or find them being passed out at your local dayger.
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