Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Report: It Rained

March 11, 2021 by

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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No Computer? No Problem! Four Hacks To Manage Your Way Through Online School, Laptop-Free

March 10, 2021 by

Breakthrough laptop-free hacks include: Read a book, or pretend to be Amish.
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Inspiring! Ex-COVID Partygoer Learns New Skill: How To Have Compassion for Others

February 24, 2021 by

According to our sources, partiers are unable to spell difficult words like “vaccination” or “empathy,” and they can’t differentiate between “your” and “you’re,” which should have ...
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Reverse Cowgirl Use Up 150% Amid Pandemic, Studies Show

February 23, 2021 by

Due to COVID, our sources have reported that many individuals have not “busted a nut” in months. However, for the small demographic who aren’t fucking losers and totally fuck, a creative way to ...
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Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

February 22, 2021 by

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

February 18, 2021 by

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “t...
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New Zoom Update Allows You To Sort By Who’s Hottest

February 16, 2021 by

First, we send all the users who appear to be paying attention to the back to weed out the fucking nerds. Once they’re gone, we rate the rest of the participants on 145 different traits, including ...
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Office Hours With Professor The Most Intimate Valentine’s Day Local Woman Will Ever Have

February 12, 2021 by

Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a ...
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Mike’s Hard Vaccine To Be Distributed at Student Health

January 28, 2021 by

You can now make an appointment on GOLD to be administered Mike’s Hard Vaccine today, or find them being passed out at your local dayger.
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Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

January 27, 2021 by

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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Lea Toubian Wins A.S. Presidency in Landslide Five Votes

January 25, 2021 by

ISLA VISTA – In what experts are calling an unprecedented voter turnout, Lea Toubian was elected A.S. president earlier this month with a landslide of five votes and a total voter count of five. The...
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National Guard Calls in CSOs For Inauguration Security

January 20, 2021 by

WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice...
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Weekly COVID-19 Test Recipients Growing Bold, Kinky

January 18, 2021 by

UCSB recently made the decision to reopen select university-owned apartments for Winter 2021 in what we can only assume is an attempt to stop hemorrhaging money. The selective application process allo...
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Storke Tower Receives Vaccination, Grows 3 Inches

January 18, 2021 by

“The lengthening effect was witnessed almost immediately,” said the Student Health nurse who administered Storke the vaccine. “As was a slight increase in girth, though those effects have yet to...
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If You Like GauchoSpace, You’ll Love GauchoSpace Live

January 16, 2021 by

GauchoSpace Live and GauchoSpace Premium are in no way, shape or form based on PornHub Live and PornHub Premium. Students who suggest this will be expelled.
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