Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Senior Dreading Seeing That One Bitch

September 23, 2021 by

With our return to in-person instruction, we all know we are bound to see that one bitch that can make our blood run cold and boil simultaneously. 
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Cottage Hospital Introduces ICU Bunk Beds

September 23, 2021 by and

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well.
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Fourth-year CLIT Major Still Can’t Find It

September 8, 2021 by

Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday. 
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Lagoon Monster’s Parents Wish That He’d Call Home More Often

August 26, 2021 by

Notwithstanding that UC Santa Barbara’s lagoon resident Swamp Yang is a full-fledged adult, his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Yang, wish that he’d call home more often. If Mrs. Yang doesn’t receive a ph...
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Incoming Freshman Leaks Own SSN To Integrate Into Campus Culture

August 26, 2021 by

One incoming freshman has gone above and beyond in his efforts to find his fit on campus and has leaked his own social security number in order to find common ground with elder Gauchos.
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UCSB “Classroom Building” To Be Unveiled Along With “Sitting Chairs” and “Talking Podiums”

August 25, 2021 by

Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for ...
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Envious of Delta Success, Local ZBT Man Attempts To Cultivate “Zeta” Strain

August 23, 2021 by

Warnings, panic and general hubbub about the new Delta strain of COVID-19 have been dominating the news cycle over the past few weeks. Envious of all the attention showered on Delta, local Zeta Beta T...
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Instagram Debuts New “Ironic Follow” Feature, Allowing Users To Keep Up With Hated Celebrities

August 18, 2021 by

Those tired by constantly having to search up their favorite hated Instagram accounts to see if they’ve posted any more ridiculous content can worry no more: Instagram will finally let you follow th...
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Bee Population Nearly Annihilated After Year Without CALPIRG Harassment

August 5, 2021 by

Many have been both shocked and saddened by this news, but also deeply surprised by the reason behind this decline.
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Oh No! Isla Vista Roller Skaters Realize They Can’t All Be The Main Character

July 30, 2021 by

DEL PLAYA ROAD — Dust and confusion were both kicked up into the air on Saturday as 24 separate roller skaters collided in what can only be described as a cartoon-like whirlwind of limbs and wheels....
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Five Meals UCSB Freshman Can Look Forward to Eating at Ortega

July 23, 2021 by

"This crowd pleaser is an innovative take on the classic gazpacho. Ortega chefs insist that this dish was in fact heavily requested by students and not created due to a tight budget."
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Pardall Tunnel Experiences Dry Spell, Hasn’t Been Turned On In Weeks

July 16, 2021 by

Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.
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Dr. Pepper Is Actually a Woman, You Sexist Fuck

July 13, 2021 by

Pepper admits that she was motivated to post it after experiencing sexism firsthand in her workplace
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Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

June 9, 2021 by

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pi...
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Heartbroken By UCLA Rejection, Oprah Winfrey Agrees To Speak at UCSB

June 8, 2021 by

Last week, the Gaucho community received exciting news that Oprah Winfrey — entertainment tycoon and one of the nation’s wealthiest self-made women — would be speaking at UC Santa Barbara’s sp...
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