Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Tips for not being single this Valentine’s Day: Settle for less

February 10, 2023 by

What, you thought you deserved a committed relationship with someone who respects your basic human dignity?
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Opinion: Screw rationality, I trust the brilliant minds of Quora

February 3, 2023 by

I have always found solace in a place born from the desire for the truth: Quora.com.
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Air Bud Saves Basketball Season!

February 3, 2023 by

Our winning streak has been preserved against CSU Bakersfield, with the Gauchos going for gold — golden retriever, that is.
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Fuck! I forgot to bring my box of condoms to juggling club

January 27, 2023 by

Meeting on Fridays in front of Storke Tower, the group preaches their love of all things juggling and circus arts, but also their love for safe sex.
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Someone needs to kiss me on the mouth while my voice is still raspy, sickly and sexy

January 26, 2023 by

Call me Narcissus, but I think this Narcissus is rightfully deserving of some kisses-us.
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Letter From the Editor: New Name, Same Stench

January 26, 2023 by

And while we will remember our time as “Nexustentialism” fondly, we, the current editors, respectfully, need a goddamn upgrade. 
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My very important “Avatar 2: Way of Water” review

January 23, 2023 by

I’m not even playing with you, I was looking to my left and everyone was crying. Not because the movie was emotional, but because they had to pee that badly.
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I’ll say it: I’m a hoe and I’m cold

January 20, 2023 by

If you see me popping my pussy in a parka, either tell me that you like my outfit or stay in your fucking lane.
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Finally! Isla Vista introduces 69 block

January 19, 2023 by

“And then it hit me,” said UCSB A.S. President Samantha Jamantha. “The solution had been there all along. We had to start 69-ing.”
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I am so full of Panda Express

December 3, 2022 by

How does one maintain Existence in this pain?
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I got too much Panda Express

December 3, 2022 by

I was tearing through my plate, eating and nom-nomming away like I had no other cares in the world. That was when the trouble began.
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Spiritual man takes pride in killing his ego

December 1, 2022 by

Observing his surroundings with a newfound sense of superiority, he swelled with pride knowing that he was simply better than the mindless drones of the world around him.
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UCSB students to be featured in Thanksgiving Day Parade

November 30, 2022 by

“We just really love parades,” club founder Turr Keybut explained. “They’re the only part of life that goes by slowly. Sometimes, you just have to appreciate that about them.”
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Thanks for bringing your moms this weekend

November 30, 2022 by

This year, I especially want to thank everyone who invited their mom for Parents’ Weekend, and I want to assure you that we had a lovely time together last night.
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Breaking: Hot Ticket UCSB holding group of average white men hostage

November 29, 2022 by

“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” the Goleta Chief of Police Owen K. Bacon said. “From what Detective Rodriguez described, they weren’t even allowed their Sony headphones.”
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