Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Local senior burned out from iClicker attendance quiz

October 13, 2023 by

After three long years of slaving away (looking on Quizlet) and breaking our backs (using ChatGPT) for our degrees, I can confidently speak for all seniors when I say: We are tired.
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Hispanic serving! Student serving cunt everyday of Hispanic Heritage Month

October 12, 2023 by

iOlé, Gauchos! UC Santa Barbara, despite its vaguely racist mascot while being a Hispanic Serving Institution, has long been known for having a large population of Latinx students, making Hispanic He...
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I.V. finally sinks into ocean

October 12, 2023 by

Foreseeable by no one and absolutely unprecedented, Isla Vista residents were stunned on Oct. 6 when the raucous college town suddenly fell into the Pacific Ocean. 
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Brace for impact! Upperclassmen fortify campus as freshmen arrive

September 9, 2023 by

Freshmeat will be here before you know it, and as the strong, wise, and mature upperclassmen, we must be ready. 
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First day of school dos and don’ts for freshmen

September 8, 2023 by

Print this out, laminate it and carry it around at all times for easy perusal.
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Everyone is in Europe this summer except for you

July 18, 2023 by

The nausea that you get from being on TikTok for 15 hours every day is the nausea you wish was from a 15 hour flight to Spain.
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Shocking! Depressed stoner guy not ready for a relationship right now

July 4, 2023 by

Shortly after confessing his deep feelings for Marcy, Deulu decided it was time to end things.
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Letter to Disney: I want MILF Padmé

July 4, 2023 by

Honestly, it’s just a really bad financial decision on your part; she would’ve been so popular.
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This AAPI Month I’m celebrating by asking all my friends to bring me a platter of cut fruit

May 29, 2023 by

Ahh, the sweet sound of healthy communication.
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Starbucks Unveils “Butter Chicken Frappuccino” After Success of Chai Tea Latte

May 29, 2023 by

“That doesn’t even make sense? Why the fuck do they still call it Chai Tea Latte — chai literally means tea. You idiots are ordering a Tea Tea Latte. Do you realize how stupid that sounds?”
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Color-blind Canadian confused to see flag everywhere on 4/20

May 24, 2023 by

“It’s so nice tah see all the Canadian flags aboot tahday, eh?” said Maple Snowbeaver, the Canadian exchange student in question. April 20: Weed Day.
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Precious Slut Christian rebranding! Now called “Immaculate Virgin”

May 20, 2023 by

“Precious Slut” will now be called “Immaculate Virgin” in order to better align with newfound Christian beliefs. 
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I.V. landlord charges extra for mold: claims exotic houseplant

May 20, 2023 by

Sicspore claims this fuzzy new companion has certain ‘properties’ that justify the increasing prices.
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Woman horrified to realize that she must raise children in order to be a MILF

May 19, 2023 by

54% of women cited “being a MILF” as one of the top two reasons they chose to have children, the other being “mommy milkers.”
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Manzanita Village to vote for village idiot

May 19, 2023 by

Hear ye, hear ye! Thee smalle village of Manzanita hath indeed declared the need for a village idiot!
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