Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Illegal Candle Trade in Dorms At All-Time High

November 25, 2016 by Andrea Alvarez

“They were pleading innocent, but you could tell they were lying,” Capt. Morgan said, shaking his head. “Who would use peppermint-scented candles before Thanksgiving?"
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Obama Barricades Self in Oval Office, Refuses to Let 45th President In

November 19, 2016 by Ariana Marmolejo

Shortly after meeting with President-elect Donald Trump and participating in a civil photo-op, a composed Obama immediately kicked everyone out, grabbed a pint of Cherry Garcia and then locked the doo...
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Which Subtweet Should You Tweet Next?

November 18, 2016 by Vianna Mabanag

What fun is the internet if you can’t talk shit? Don’t worry, these subtweets have your back.
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Common Cold War: Students Weaponize Sickness, Bring Down Entire Dorm

November 17, 2016 by Clayton Alexander

"It's like being in a gang, man. When one of us gets sick, the whole building gets sick. It's a way of life."
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Overheard in I.V.

November 15, 2016 by Tryna Function

Another edition of eavesdropping brought to you by our version of investigative journalism.
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Marijuana Legalization Used as Coping Mechanism for Californians Under Trump Presidency

November 9, 2016 by Jasmine Vaughn and Ariana Marmolejo

ISLA VISTA, CA - Amidst the dark clouds surrounding election night, a cloud of a different type began to rise above the nerve-wracked streets of I.V.
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Fuck.

November 8, 2016 by Jasmine Vaughn

"Oh well," reports one witness.
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Who’s Leading The Write-In Vote?

November 8, 2016 by Jasmine Vaughn

The only place your third party vote will actually count.
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Trump Releases List of Demands After Holding American Intellectualism Hostage for a Year

November 8, 2016 by Zack Zimmerman

While a multitude of world leaders have championed for its release, many Americans have agreed never to “negotiate with terrorists,” while others report not being aware of its departure in the fir...
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Landmark Measure to Turn Entire Campus into Bike Lane Passes

November 7, 2016 by Jake Feder

It is still relatively unclear to most as to what initially spurred the groundbreaking initiative to even be placed on the 2016-17 ballot.
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What Your Latest Urban Outfitters Purchase Says About You

November 5, 2016 by Elisabeth March

So many overpriced merchandise options for you to regret later, so little time.
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6 Steps to Surviving Parents Weekend

November 4, 2016 by Zoey Brandt

After six weeks of glorious freedom and no one but your roommates to judge you for your bad life decisions, the parental units will be in I.V. in full force this weekend.
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