On Wednesday, UCPD reported that three separate students filed cases of missing items. Each student described their item as a small key that opens the lock on the right atrium of their heart that they only let a certain few have access to. After cross checking the records and having these students describe their perpetrator, the police have identified the culprit as Campbell Hall janitor, Dan Adonis.
Adonis is a 50-year-old man who has been working for UCSB for more than 30 years; many claim he lives alone in the lowest chambers of Campbell Hall, where he stores hidden treasures students leave behind, like Camelback water bottles and empty Yerba Mates.
The aftermath of having their keys stolen has had a lasting effect on the students. “I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.
The affected students have recently become distraught and are contemplating creating a Facebook group for a rally outside of Campbell Hall. At the very least, all will be retweeting pictures about unrequited love so Adonis can “get the message without being @’ed,” according to Cupid.
Information about missing keys that look like they can fit into a lock for a human heart should be directed to the love division of the UCPD.
Mia Roncati is a second-year who keeps her key safely guarded in the hopes of finding the right man to complete her MRS Degree.