Mia Roncati

January 31, 2019

Class Know-It-All Won’t Let You Enjoy Things

By Mia Roncati

Rude! Margaret Paige Claire Allen, first year pre-med major, has been reported by multiple students to Associated Students (A.S.) Judicial Affairs for being a class-know-it-all. While UCSB prides itself on now being the ...

November 1, 2018

Cops Caught Flipping Cars to Promote “Keep It Local” Agenda

By Mia Roncati

Isla Vista residents have recently fallen victim to a series of crimes aptly named by this writer, “Monster Mash Window Crashes.” The local Free & For Sale page and the UCSB “meme page” have been flooded with...

September 25, 2018

5 Girls You Will Meet at UCSB Based on Bathroom Graffiti

By Mia Roncati

Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!

May 17, 2018

We’ve Run out of Ideas, so It’s Time to Rank Bread

By Mia Roncati

Fuck it, we ranked the bread.

March 6, 2018

BREAKING NEWS: MEN AIN’T SHIT

By Mia Roncati

Men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.

March 2, 2018

New Snapchat Update Now Leading Cause of Divorce

By Mia Roncati

Having a 200-day or more streak absolutely guarantees a zero chance of divorce.

February 22, 2018

UCSB Student Complains About First-World Problems, Insists You Don’t @ Her

By Mia Roncati

These issues REALLY matter.

February 5, 2018

White Girl’s Semester Abroad Didn’t Totally Change Her Life

By Mia Roncati

Shocking news arrived from a small suburb outside Los Angeles.

January 29, 2018

UCSB Accepts Record Number of Out-of-State Students to Pay for New Science Building

By Mia Roncati

Over 5,000 students were found to have been marked as in-state admissions over 3 years.

May 23, 2017

Top 5 Things Every Senior has to do Before Graduating

By Mia Roncati

Here is the ultimate, most amazing, super fun, totally Gaucho, UCSB bucket list for graduating seniors.

May 8, 2017

Top 5 Ways to Get a Sugar Daddy

By Mia Roncati

Sugar daddies are the next big lazy millennial endeavor, and here are the top five ways to get yours.

April 11, 2017

Frat Boy Creates 8th Day of Week to Spend More Time with ‘The Boys’

By Mia Roncati

Traditionally, only Saturdays have been for the boys, but now, more and more days are being consumed by this ritual.

April 2, 2017

What Happens When A Student Stays in I.V. Over Spring Break

By Mia Roncati

What happens when you are the one left behind forced to suffer through the best weather and most stress-free environment all by yourself?

February 14, 2017

Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

By Mia Roncati

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.

January 4, 2017

10 Things the Elf on the Shelf Overheard During the Holidays

By Mia Roncati

This festive little buddy comes out to decorate the house with candy canes and lights and does more than just overlook from his perch.

December 17, 2016

How To Avoid People from High School 101

By Mia Roncati

You thought you would never see them again after you threw your cap in the air, but if you go home for the holidays, you are bound to see at least 60 percent of your graduating class at some point.