Class Know-It-All Won’t Let You Enjoy Things

Rude! Margaret Paige Claire Allen, first year pre-med major, has been reported by multiple students to Associated Students (A.S.) Judicial Affairs for being a class-know-it-all. While UCSB prides itse...
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Cops Caught Flipping Cars to Promote “Keep It Local” Agenda

Isla Vista residents have recently fallen victim to a series of crimes aptly named by this writer, “Monster Mash Window Crashes.” The local Free & For Sale page and the UCSB “meme page” ha...
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5 Girls You Will Meet at UCSB Based on Bathroom Graffiti

Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!
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We’ve Run out of Ideas, so It’s Time to Rank Bread

Fuck it, we ranked the bread.
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BREAKING NEWS: MEN AIN’T SHIT

Men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.
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New Snapchat Update Now Leading Cause of Divorce

Having a 200-day or more streak absolutely guarantees a zero chance of divorce.
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UCSB Student Complains About First-World Problems, Insists You Don’t @ Her

These issues REALLY matter.
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White Girl’s Semester Abroad Didn’t Totally Change Her Life

Shocking news arrived from a small suburb outside Los Angeles.
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UCSB Accepts Record Number of Out-of-State Students to Pay for New Science Building

Over 5,000 students were found to have been marked as in-state admissions over 3 years.
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Top 5 Things Every Senior has to do Before Graduating

Here is the ultimate, most amazing, super fun, totally Gaucho, UCSB bucket list for graduating seniors.
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Top 5 Ways to Get a Sugar Daddy

Sugar daddies are the next big lazy millennial endeavor, and here are the top five ways to get yours.
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Frat Boy Creates 8th Day of Week to Spend More Time with ‘The Boys’

Traditionally, only Saturdays have been for the boys, but now, more and more days are being consumed by this ritual.
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What Happens When A Student Stays in I.V. Over Spring Break

What happens when you are the one left behind forced to suffer through the best weather and most stress-free environment all by yourself?
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Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.
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10 Things the Elf on the Shelf Overheard During the Holidays

This festive little buddy comes out to decorate the house with candy canes and lights and does more than just overlook from his perch.
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