Q: Hey, Eggbert. So the other day I crashed into my crush while riding my bike. We both got pretty scraped up. How can I ever talk to her again, let alone get her to like me?
A: Consistency is the key to any healthy and lasting relationship. Run her over again to show that you care.
Q: Hey, Eggbert. I got my dominant hand stuck in a container of cheeseballs. How do I get it out? P.S. This took me five minutes to type.
A: I am not in the business of associating with inferior life forms, which is what you seem to be, but for your sake, I shall try to help. My best advice would be to slowly remove your hand from the jar. If that fails, remove your whole arm completely. It’ll only take a few days to regrow, so you’ll be fine.
Q: ~Eggbert. I got my other hand stuck 8in anotherr container of cheese balls while trying to free the first hand. I aM TYPING THIS WITH MY NOSE. SSEND HELP////
A: I am confused and scared for you; therefore I will not be responding to this statement.
Q: Eggbert, I have a situation. My house basically fell off a cliff and into the ocean, and I don’t know what to do. All my stuff is still in it, and I can’t go back in to get any of it — ever! What should I do???
A: I’m so glad to hear about that! The ocean is such a beautiful place. I’d love to visit sometime. If I were you, I would throw the rest of what I still had into the ocean as a friendly offering to it. Then, I would take a quick dip and throw myself into the ocean as well. From my calculations and rumors heard straight from your moon, the entirety of the Earth’s land masses shall be consumed by the gargantuan salty beast within the next few decades. My best advice is to get a head start!
Q: How much coffee is too much coffee?
A: I love the hot and delicious bean water of your planet. I drink several gallons a day to stay strong.
Q: Dear Eggbert, I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me … He’s just seemed distant and distracted lately. How can I know for sure, and what should I do?
A: Silly humans. Polygamy is not only common on my planet, but welcome. However, your boyfriend might just be hungry. It is a trait I have recognized among many men here on Earth.
Q: Eggbert! I think my husky puppy just ate some grapes! What do I do?
A: Grapes what a tasty treat! Feed him more!
Q: Eggbert —I accidentally fell asleep in class and made some weird noises in my sleep. I was sitting in the front row. Should I apologize to my professor?
A: Fall asleep again, but refuse to wake up, even when class ends.This will let the professor know that you feel safe and comfortable in their classroom, and they will truly be flattered. It will pave the way for a more meaningful relationship!
Eggbert the Alien is the resident extraterrestrial of UCSB who offers his best intergalactic advice while taking a quick vacation at the beach.