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Okay, so it’s that time of year. You know, when you gorge yourself on those surely cocaine-laced cookies sold by Girl Scouts. But I bet you’ve thought to yourself, “Hmm, has anybody ever reviewed these holy cookies?” Maybe they have, but you don’t need to wonder at all because I’ve painstakingly composed this comprehensive review (complete with ratings) of each cookie. Here we go.

  1. Thin Mints

“Oh, I just love Thin Mints, they’re the best Girl Scout cookie, especially when frozen.” Fuck off. Thin Mints are overrated. Oh, so you like to freeze them? Cool, now you just have cold Thin Mints. Great.

Rating: Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

  1. Lemonades

Lemonades are the absolute best Girl Scout cookie. No, I’m not kidding. If that lemony coating on the bottom doesn’t make you salivate, you’re sick. Not to mention that they’re actually designed to look like lemon slices! Come on, go buy a pack. They’re like Thanks-A-Lots but good.

Rating: The speed of light squared.

  1. Peanut Butter Patties

Oh yes. Peanut Butter Patties are fucking marvelous. They have chocolate. They have peanut butter. And I guess there are cookies in there too. They’re like a Twix bar, except they’re not just pretending to be cookies. Not to mention that they have peanut butter instead of caramel. Oh, you have a peanut allergy? Shut up, eat a pack of these and EpiPen it up.

Rating: Four cups of coffee.

  1. Peanut Butter Sandwich

What? There are two peanut butter-based cookies? Yeah, except these are trash. Seriously, if you want a “peanut butter sandwich,” just go make one yourself. Second-graders have even figured out that these are better with jelly, and they eat them for lunch every day. “Oh, but these have cookies instead of bread,” you may argue. Nice. Go get some Oreos.

Rating: 5π/7 (five pi over seven).

  1. Caramel deLites

Do you like coconut, caramel and chocolate? If you’re a sensible human being, you do. It follows that you like these delectable cookies. Don’t leave me alone with them. They’re almost as good as Lemonades. Even better, freeze them — oh wait, these don’t need to be cold to be “good.” Yeah, I’m looking at you, Thin Mints. Why would anyone even buy Thin Mints if you have cookies like Caramel deLites?

Rating: 900.

  1. Shortbread

These are pretty good, when you’re tired of the flavor avalanche from some of the other cookies. They’re sweet, but there’s nothing too particularly exciting about them. Listen, you could probably pick up equally good cookies from your local Walgreens. Chances are, you’re eating these because you and chocolate aren’t on good terms. Let the Shortbread keep you company, but patch things up with your baby.

Rating: Maroon.

  1. Thanks-A-Lot

Before some brilliant executive based Lemonades on these, this was as close to the sanctified lemon cookies as you could get. Well, now we have Lemonades so you don’t need to eat these. Dip your Shortbread in melted chocolate if you really can’t help yourself.

Rating: One and 1/8 stars.


Lane Wright buys more Girl Scout cookies than you and is therefore better than you.