Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Isla Vista residents have recently fallen victim to a series of crimes aptly named by this writer, “Monster Mash Window Crashes.” The local Free & For Sale page and the UCSB “meme page” ha...
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We have no hope this Halloween. The fences are high, higher than any of our friends are getting...
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15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessar...
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I’m so over being single, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to make a Tinder. After my first date off the app, I decided to document the type of guy I went out with and it has re...
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Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.
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Worried that their relentless tabling tactics and guilt-tripping lacked effectiveness, the Santa Barbara chapter of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) has announced a new method o...
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Cuffing season is upon us, and with it, the announcements of some sweet Gaucho couplings!
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A heartwarming open letter to a long lost nightclub love...
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Here are the five staples of navigating your freshman year long-distance relationship before it inevitably comes to a sad and pathetic end a month and a half into the school year!
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With rush week recently over and pledge season swinging into full effect, many have found themselves without a brotherhood to call their own. Here’s a list of the five stages of grief you bidless ...
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Despite her unattainably high expectations for the opposite sex, third-year Mackenzie Carlton is confident that it is her time to find love.
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This past Wednesday, fourth-year global studies major Roger Rodgers was seen sobbing on the fourth floor of the library. When approached by a concerned fellow student, Roger just kept crying and was p...
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Truly devastating developments have come out of Paris, France today as local “bros” Chad Brohanski and Michael Sendet have realized that European girls hate them even more than American girls back...
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Hickeys are a timeless staple that lets the world around you know that you’re getting some. Here’s a guide that shows exactly what your hickey says about you!
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After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.
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“Greased Lightnin’” from “Grease”
Sunset waltz from “La La Land”
“Thriller” by Michael Jackson
Frat flick
“Macarena” by Los Del Río
“Gangnam Style” by PSY
“Swan Lake” by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Renegade
“Cell Block Tango” from “Chicago”
“The Last Text” from “Dance Moms”
Flossing
All of “Hamilton”
