Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

5 Places to Park in I.V.

February 25, 2019 by

Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Th...
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Housemate Gets Laid, Can’t Stop Exclaiming, “Man I Didn’t Sleep at All Last Night!”

February 21, 2019 by

Local resident Virgil Nomo had a busy night last night if you know what I mean, but you probably already heard because he won’t shut up about it.
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Breaking News: Girl Regrets Lip Tattoo

February 21, 2019 by

There’s a long list of regrettable decisions frequently made by college students: waiting until the night before to start writing a paper, drunkenly emailing your professor to apologize for causing ...
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Greek Sisterhoods Only Thing Preventing Shitty, 65-Block Oceanside Homes from Eroding Into Ocean

February 19, 2019 by

If you're among the 89 percent of UCSB’s undergraduate population that has not yet joined greek life, you may want to reconsider. As houses on 66-block through 68-block have been making the slow pro...
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The Four People You’ll Date in College

February 14, 2019 by

Relationships are tough. How tough? Tough to say. In I.V., they’re tougher than a Hydro Flask that just won’t break whenever it smacks into the ground mid-lecture. We can’t just make out in cars...
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Girl Reminisces About Best Valentine’s Day Hook-Up: Part 2

February 14, 2019 by

If there’s one hook-up everyone remembers as the most magical time of all, it’s when they lost their virginity. The year was 2016. I finally had a boyfriend, Leo was about to win his first Oscar, ...
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68 Block Myth-Busters

February 13, 2019 by

Secrecy clouds the enigmatic residents of the 68 block. Not much is known about the mystifying barefooted beings who dwell its streets, but nevertheless, rumors swirl about. We here at Nexustentialism...
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IV Foot Patrol Arrests Tree for Sitting on Curb

February 12, 2019 by

Protests have begun outside Isla Vista Foot Patrol building after many students have called for the release of Tree, who was arrested outside the building in the early morning of Feb. 2 after falling ...
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Freshman Picked UCSB for Chance to Wear Redbull Bro Tank All Year Round

February 11, 2019 by

As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agr...
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Lunar Eclipse Causes Unexpected Menstrual Synchronization Throughout UCSB Sororities

February 7, 2019 by

At approximately 9:12 p.m. on Jan. 20, the Earth, for reasons unknown, decided to split its solar and lunar counterparts. Despite similar occurrences in the past, this particular lunar eclipse had an ...
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Sorority Sally: I Would Die For My Train Conductor Hat

February 6, 2019 by

TOOT! TOOT! It’s me again, bitches. I’m ~back again~ to defend my currently IN STYLE fisherman hat a.k.a. the train conductor.
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Fyre Festival: Isla Vista Dayger Edition

February 4, 2019 by

In light of the recent Fyre Festival documentaries produced by Hulu and Netflix, many concerned UCSB students have come forward to highlight similarities over the failed festival and a recent Isla Vis...
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Everybody on the Fourth Floor of Davidson Should Just Fuck Each Other Already

February 1, 2019 by

Everyone is aware of the diverse personalities that make up the eight floors of the slightly uncomfy Davidson Library: the all-inclusive first floor, the scholars of fifth, the antisocial sociopaths o...
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From Father: A Response to My Unwed Daughter

February 1, 2019 by

Beloved Daughter, It was with great concern and consternation that Mother and I met the distressing news of your being unable to find a husband whilst at university.
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Dazed and Confused: Local I.V. Woman Not Sure What To Do After Phone Dies During Sunset

January 31, 2019 by

Around 5:30 p.m. Saturday evening, tragedy struck the shores of Sands as local I.V. woman Margaret Rogers’s phone battery dropped dangerously low during the most ‘gramable sunset of the year. Just...
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