Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Cl...
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In an effort to save money at the direct and immediate expense of student wellbeing, Student Health Services is pleased to announce that they have replaced all physicians and trained medical professio...
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An influx of horrific bike accidents (in which many took to Free & For Sale to voice their grievances and describe the gory details of their injuries) has prompted local UCPD to implement the W.E.A.K....
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We all know that one couple that’s consistently off and on. The guy frequently likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram and the girl keeps getting fucking pissed.
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Food, we all need it. Restaurants, we’ve all been to them. IV, definitely has ‘em. This cesspool of debauchery and dank memes is full of the best fucking foods to cure everything from a hangover t...
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In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwi...
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Finals are almost here, and with them come yerba binges, restless nights and quiet sobs in the library. This year, though, local UCSB students seem to have put a stop to this quarterly tradition.
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Dazed and confused but thoroughly reseted, that same girl you’ve seen perpetually slumped in one of Davidson Library’s egg chairs every single day since freshman year has finally woken up.
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In an international poll with hundreds of millions of participants, Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story has narrowly been declared the worst person in the entire world. The rac...
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UCSB’s high-ranking College of Engineering is allegedly rampant with bootcut jeans and Skechers — and everyone is nutting, according to a new observation by Anyone Who’s Ever Been on That Side o...
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This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal a...
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Associated Students is doing the best it has ever done! Never has A.S. done so many beneficial things for UCSB. A.S. passes only good plans that are very well thought through and everyone agrees on th...
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Last week, it was reported that Tiffany-Joy Johanson-Mills suddenly and without consent plunged her fingers into the hair of a Beautiful Girl sitting in front of her during a mid-sized communication p...
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In what is breaking news to only white students, an abysmal five percent of students at UC Santa Barbara are actually Black. While Black students have been painfully aware of this fact for a very long...
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Dearest Recruiter, How are you? How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in two months, but I’m doing fine. Being ghosted is normal for me, so just let me know when you want to talk. I’ll be ...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
