Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

UCSB To Remove Lagoon

October 21, 2021 by

That’s right. Say goodbye to your favorite stinky puddle, to those mysterious, murky depths, beckoning … calling for you … yes … come closer … dip a toe in… No! No longer!
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The Official Nexustentialism Guide for the Bike Path

October 14, 2021 by

Tricycles always have the right of way. Because they’re so little and adorable, UCSB students always let the gaggle of toddlers who ride their tricycles go by first since they have to go home from d...
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Campus Alex Confused as to Why S.T.E.M. Majors Think He Is So Hard All the Time

October 14, 2021 by

What upsets Alex the most are the repeated attacks on his character and references to his genitals. “They always say I’m hard."
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UCSB Library Adds Two New Sides: Tree and Rock

October 14, 2021 by

Dedicated to that one rock by the Arbor and some tree that looks like all of the other trees on campus, the new sides of the library have already made an impact on student life.
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“No Eating Indoors” Rule Disappoints Local Whores

October 7, 2021 by

“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.
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Farting Man in Girvetz Must’ve Forgotten He Can’t Mute Himself

October 7, 2021 by

For this apparent flatulence fiend terrorizing Girvetz 2115, sphincter control appears to have been an oversight in the shift from online classes. 
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Did Quarantine Ruin Your Social Skills Or Are You Just Less Pleasant Now?: A Brief Guide

September 30, 2021 by

Hopefully this guide has illustrated the slight, but crucial differences between a post-quarantine slip-up and being an inherent fuck-up! Now go out there, have fun, and be safe! Or don’t, because y...
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UCSB To Combat Student Loneliness By Stuffing Seven Roommates In One Dorm

September 30, 2021 by

“We’re so excited about the opportunity of having a baker’s dozen students in one dorm,” the Director of Student Friendship Susan Poleman told Nexustentialism.
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Senior Dreading Seeing That One Bitch

September 23, 2021 by

With our return to in-person instruction, we all know we are bound to see that one bitch that can make our blood run cold and boil simultaneously. 
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Cottage Hospital Introduces ICU Bunk Beds

September 23, 2021 by and

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well.
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Fourth-year CLIT Major Still Can’t Find It

September 8, 2021 by

Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday. 
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Lagoon Monster’s Parents Wish That He’d Call Home More Often

August 26, 2021 by

Notwithstanding that UC Santa Barbara’s lagoon resident Swamp Yang is a full-fledged adult, his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Yang, wish that he’d call home more often. If Mrs. Yang doesn’t receive a ph...
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Incoming Freshman Leaks Own SSN To Integrate Into Campus Culture

August 26, 2021 by

One incoming freshman has gone above and beyond in his efforts to find his fit on campus and has leaked his own social security number in order to find common ground with elder Gauchos.
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UCSB “Classroom Building” To Be Unveiled Along With “Sitting Chairs” and “Talking Podiums”

August 25, 2021 by

Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for ...
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Envious of Delta Success, Local ZBT Man Attempts To Cultivate “Zeta” Strain

August 23, 2021 by

Warnings, panic and general hubbub about the new Delta strain of COVID-19 have been dominating the news cycle over the past few weeks. Envious of all the attention showered on Delta, local Zeta Beta T...
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