Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
After hearing about the local police ordinance set in place for Halloween, a few innovative UCSB students are planning to throw a Christmas party instead. “We kept hearing that I.V. isn’t throwing...
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Happy flu season, Gauchos! With COVID-19 terrifying everyone and their mother due to the coughing fits around public, the student body is collectively on the constant verge of convulsing as they choos...
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Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to ...
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What a treat! Now, as you attempt to cope with the unbearable weight of the seventeen assignments you procrastinated atop your shoulders on a daunting Monday eve, you can think about two ghosts holdin...
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Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year.
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Try not to stare. Stare anyway. Who cares? Everyone’s focusing on their own bike, listening to music and attempting not to crash. The eyes. The hair. The way their legs … move? They kind of pedal ...
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Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a stu...
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That’s right. Say goodbye to your favorite stinky puddle, to those mysterious, murky depths, beckoning … calling for you … yes … come closer … dip a toe in… No! No longer!
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Tricycles always have the right of way. Because they’re so little and adorable, UCSB students always let the gaggle of toddlers who ride their tricycles go by first since they have to go home from d...
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What upsets Alex the most are the repeated attacks on his character and references to his genitals. “They always say I’m hard."
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Dedicated to that one rock by the Arbor and some tree that looks like all of the other trees on campus, the new sides of the library have already made an impact on student life.
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“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.
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For this apparent flatulence fiend terrorizing Girvetz 2115, sphincter control appears to have been an oversight in the shift from online classes.
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Hopefully this guide has illustrated the slight, but crucial differences between a post-quarantine slip-up and being an inherent fuck-up! Now go out there, have fun, and be safe! Or don’t, because y...
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“We’re so excited about the opportunity of having a baker’s dozen students in one dorm,” the Director of Student Friendship Susan Poleman told Nexustentialism.
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Chronically single
“Casual” by Chappell Roan
“Atmosphere” by FISHER
The entire shared playlist with their ex
“Je te laisserai des mots” by Patrick Watson
“If Only” by The Marías
Their ex’s old voice memos
White noise
“ceilings” by Lizzy McAlpine
“Marvins Room” by Drake
“KLOusFRENS” by Bad Bunny
“Somebody Else” by The 1975
