Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

May 19, 2022 by

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.
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ducks breaking up

Love Is Dead: Duck Couple Has Affair

May 17, 2022 by

We at the Daily Nexus, personally, are heartbroken to report on the demise of what we thought was a stable tenet of the little joy there is in our decrepit college town. Is pain the only guarantee in ...
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ducks breaking up

An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

May 16, 2022 by

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.
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Top 5 Fucking Skank Bitches in School

May 13, 2022 by

Hopefully when these people see this list, they might rethink their lives and stop being such fake fucking bitches. One can only hope!
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Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

May 12, 2022 by

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
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Op-Ed: I Am a Loyal Patron of the Isla Vista Co-op And I’ll I’m Asking For Is Regular Toothpaste

May 12, 2022 by

Crest, Colgate, Sensodyne —  I’ll take anything, even if only 8/10 doctors recommend it!
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Whoopee! The Four Winds Have Arrived in I.V. To Forsake Us All

May 12, 2022 by

After sending a correspondent into the sky via the slingshot we rented from a carnival company, we have received input from the four winds and their thoughts on their massive blowings and whooshes bom...
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God Sends 10 Plagues to Isla Vista After Alleged Cancellation

May 11, 2022 by

Esteemed Nexustentialism reporter Roberto Gutierrez discussed this in his article “BREAKING: God Canceled,” but he failed to anticipate the possible ramifications of this cancellation — that bei...
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Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

May 10, 2022 by

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 
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If You Sucked My Tits, You Owe Me a Mother’s Day Card

May 8, 2022 by

You have suckled my breast like an infant — the weakling you are — and I get nothing in return? 
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God Cancelled

April 30, 2022 by

Perhaps it is time for the man upstairs to face the social consequences of his actions.
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How To Lounge Jubilantly on the Arbor Lawn With Your Multicultural Friends in Front of a Tour Group

April 29, 2022 by

So, if you’re not sure about what to do when you find yourself out with your most diverse group of friends, look no further! We’ve got you covered!
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I Am Running for A.S. Senate and This Is My Plan To End the War in Iraq

April 27, 2022 by

As a veteran of three tours of photo-ops at UCSB’s Middle Eastern Resource Center, I am uniquely aware of the incredible human cost and personal toll of the protracted conflict. I know it must end n...
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Cute! Duck Couple Reminds You That You’ll Die Alone

April 27, 2022 by

It’s like, how can these ducks find love and I can’t? What’s wrong with me? Am I really less worthy than a duck?
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Quirky Check! Aesthetic Girl Spills Yerba Mate in Backpack Instead of Plain, Old Water

April 27, 2022 by

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!” 
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