Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

UCSB Student Coming in Person Next Week

January 27, 2022 by

I’m really excited to come! I’ve always felt that, you know, coming face to face is one of the greatest pleasures of life. Coming in person is kind of like my love language.
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Chancellor Yang: “Babe, What Do You Mean the Other UCs are All Going Online? That Must Have Been a Bad Dream…”

January 7, 2022 by

Wait, what? Don’t even think about bringing up the hotel dorms right now, babe, I can’t believe you would do that. That really hurts. I can’t believe this. Can we just drop this? Please? That’...
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Horrifying! Chancellor Yang is a Sagittarius – Here Are Our Top 3 Predictions for Sag Season

December 2, 2021 by

PASADO RD, ISLA VISTA – A soft wash of silence fell over the houses on the 66 block of Pasado Road last Sunday. “Finally,” sophomore Capri Khorn let out with a sigh, propping her feet up atop he...
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Keg N Bottle Patron Revealed To Be Three Freshmen in a Trench Coat

December 2, 2021 by

Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late ...
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Wow! Horoscope Close Enough

December 2, 2021 by

In what is surely a cosmic turn of events, an alignment of the stars, a blessing from above, second-year Hailey Bailey’s daily horoscope was close enough for her to continue believing in astrology. ...
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Emotional Menace Taylor Swift Launches Second Premeditated Attack of the Year

November 12, 2021 by

ISLA VISTA, Calif. — Residents felt shock waves of emotional distress last night as pop superstar and harbinger of seasonal depression Taylor Swift released “Red (Taylor’s Version),” her rerec...
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Mungry for More? Munger Hall Unveils New ‘Ortega II’ Dining Commons

November 4, 2021 by

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE SHALL BE NOTHING. THENCE, I SHALL SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE A DINING HALL LIKE NO OTHER THAT HAS BEEN SEEN.
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Architect Pulls Out of Munger Hall Project After Allegations That Munger’s Head “Just Shaped Wrong”

November 4, 2021 by

“That head is not architecturally sound,” lamented McFadden. “He looks like an egg, like a hard-boiled Humpty Dumpty."
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Heartwarming — Billionaire Charles Munger Agrees To Provide Oxygen for New Dorm Residence

November 4, 2021 by

“I don’t know why people are complaining,” Munger stated. “Imagine seeing 4,500 people daily. I haven’t seen anyone in weeks!"
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Isla Vista Residents Throw Christmas Party to Avoid Halloween Restrictions

October 30, 2021 by

After hearing about the local police ordinance set in place for Halloween, a few innovative UCSB students are planning to throw a Christmas party instead. “We kept hearing that I.V. isn’t throwing...
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Tragic! Student Explodes Trying to Hold in Cough

October 29, 2021 by

Happy flu season, Gauchos! With COVID-19 terrifying everyone and their mother due to the coughing fits around public, the student body is collectively on the constant verge of convulsing as they choos...
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If I Was an Octopus, My Tentacles and I Would’ve Owned the Dining Hall by Now

October 28, 2021 by

Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to ...
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Festive! Sunday Scaries Temporarily Rebranded to Sunday Spookies

October 28, 2021 by

What a treat! Now, as you attempt to cope with the unbearable weight of the seventeen assignments you procrastinated atop your shoulders on a daunting Monday eve, you can think about two ghosts holdin...
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Horse Girl Actually Excited To See Horsey Cops This Halloweekend

October 28, 2021 by

Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year.
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Shit! Pedestrian Painfully Aware They’ll Never See Hot Biker Again

October 21, 2021 by

Try not to stare. Stare anyway. Who cares? Everyone’s focusing on their own bike, listening to music and attempting not to crash. The eyes. The hair. The way their legs … move? They kind of pedal ...
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