Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Report: Some Guy Carter To Have Bitches

February 10, 2022 by

Carter makes sure to keep his Google Calendar updated so that both his assistant and the most dedicated of his women can keep up to date on what he’s doing and where he may be going.
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Our Little Cupid: Chancellor Yang to Wear Diaper, Tell Students to Kiss

February 10, 2022 by

Sporting a diaper and Cupid’s iconic bow and arrow, Yang intends to walk amongst us, looking for two kids he can totally ship together.
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UCSB Republicans Angered By Gender-Neutral COVID Test

February 9, 2022 by

  Last week, an email was sent out to the UCSB student body mandating booster shots and a COVID test administered between the dates Jan. 3 and Feb. 2. While most students accepted the logic of th...
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Social Justice Win! UCSB Implements Ball, Boob Holders in All Dorm Showers

February 8, 2022 by

Justice at last! In an effort to save face after his now infamous pay raise, Chancellor Yang agrees to install adjustable boob and ball holders in every UCSB dorm shower.  “I just can’t hold my b...
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Chancellor Yang’s Flop Era Lowkey Serving? The Student Body Weighs In

February 8, 2022 by

As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the fo...
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A Heartfelt Message to DLG — Stop It.

February 4, 2022 by

After years of committing war crimes against their students, the staff of Nexustentialism tearfully beg the all-powerful entity known as De La Guerra dining hall to grant its students mercy by never s...
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Mold is Just a Friend, Landlord Promises

February 2, 2022 by

Feeling moldy lately? You and the homes of students in Isla Vista have that in common! Many students have found themselves calling up their landlords, worried about the ever growing presence of mold i...
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Backlash Over Gaucho Mascot, Deemed “Too Sexy!”

February 1, 2022 by

Time may be up for UCSB’s beloved mascot Olé, with claims that he is handsome, gorgeous and overall too sexy thrusting his design into hot water. The once beloved and unproblematic mascot, perhaps ...
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Graduate Student Win! UC Grants COLA to Nine Very Specific Employees

January 31, 2022 by

Siavash Ghadiri / Daily Nexus Zoom, Calif. —  Just before the pandemic began in 2020, graduate students at UCSB and around the UC system were protesting the University for a Cost Of Living Adjustme...
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Suite Life on Derrick? New Housing Plan Moves Students Into Offshore Oil Rig

January 27, 2022 by

Plans for the rig will feature 50 suite-style rooms, common areas, free petroleum, and a dining hall. Transportation will consist of a twice-a-day boat shuttle, and a damp towel will be provided to st...
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$580k Not Enough: Generous Students Start GoFundMe for Needy Yang

January 27, 2022 by

As empaths, Yang’s story of trials and tribulations is excruciatingly hard to hear, but we’re thankful that the customers of UCSB support their chancellor after everything else he’s done.
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UCSB Student Coming in Person Next Week

January 27, 2022 by

I’m really excited to come! I’ve always felt that, you know, coming face to face is one of the greatest pleasures of life. Coming in person is kind of like my love language.
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Chancellor Yang: “Babe, What Do You Mean the Other UCs are All Going Online? That Must Have Been a Bad Dream…”

January 7, 2022 by

Wait, what? Don’t even think about bringing up the hotel dorms right now, babe, I can’t believe you would do that. That really hurts. I can’t believe this. Can we just drop this? Please? That’...
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Horrifying! Chancellor Yang is a Sagittarius – Here Are Our Top 3 Predictions for Sag Season

December 2, 2021 by

PASADO RD, ISLA VISTA – A soft wash of silence fell over the houses on the 66 block of Pasado Road last Sunday. “Finally,” sophomore Capri Khorn let out with a sigh, propping her feet up atop he...
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Keg N Bottle Patron Revealed To Be Three Freshmen in a Trench Coat

December 2, 2021 by

Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late ...
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