Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Chancellor Yang Takes Over-Enrollment Crisis Into His Own Hands

July 16, 2022 by

It can feel as though calls for action from UCSB administration fall on deaf ears — but no longer!
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Catastrophe! Gaucho Bucks Economy Collapses After Everyone Forgets They Exist

July 11, 2022 by

To elaborate, Gaucho Bucks follow the same ridiculous format of taking money you can spend everywhere and anywhere, and converting it into money that you can only spend at a few places — except it...
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I Lived It: Bearing The Burden Of Being The Funniest Bitch In The GroupMe

July 3, 2022 by

I am too funny for the society I find myself buried within.
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Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Were a Tour Guide

June 24, 2022 by

No one here drinks.  Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place that we gather at on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money. 
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UCSB’s Top Students Finish Magna Cum Laude; Bottom Students Reportedly Satisfied

June 16, 2022 by

“We as a community are just so proud of the achievement of these students. They should certainly feel very satisfied with themselves and the effort they have put in. We hope they are experiencing th...
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From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

May 27, 2022 by and

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist sys...
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Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

May 19, 2022 by

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.
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Report: If One More Man Touches My Waist While Passing Me At A Party, I Am Going To Leap Into The Sun

May 19, 2022 by

Nuffathis’ grimy, formerly-white Air Force 1s began to levitate off the ground. Seemingly set off by another waist-grab, Nuffathis was spurred by the supernatural – selected by the gods, perhaps ...
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Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

May 19, 2022 by

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.
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ducks breaking up

Love Is Dead: Duck Couple Has Affair

May 17, 2022 by

We at the Daily Nexus, personally, are heartbroken to report on the demise of what we thought was a stable tenet of the little joy there is in our decrepit college town. Is pain the only guarantee in ...
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ducks breaking up

An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

May 16, 2022 by

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.
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Top 5 Fucking Skank Bitches in School

May 13, 2022 by

Hopefully when these people see this list, they might rethink their lives and stop being such fake fucking bitches. One can only hope!
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Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

May 12, 2022 by

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
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Op-Ed: I Am a Loyal Patron of the Isla Vista Co-op And I’ll I’m Asking For Is Regular Toothpaste

May 12, 2022 by

Crest, Colgate, Sensodyne —  I’ll take anything, even if only 8/10 doctors recommend it!
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Whoopee! The Four Winds Have Arrived in I.V. To Forsake Us All

May 12, 2022 by

After sending a correspondent into the sky via the slingshot we rented from a carnival company, we have received input from the four winds and their thoughts on their massive blowings and whooshes bom...
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