Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Students Give Up Democratic Rights to Escape CALPIRG

March 31, 2022 by

“Honestly, I feel invincible walking through the quad,” Higgins said. “Even though I’ve given up my rights, I feel freer than ever.”
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I am an Econ Major, You are Irrelevant, Here is the Blockchain

March 31, 2022 by

My name? Nonessential. Your life? Unimportant, at least until now. All that matters now is what side of history you want to be on. As Matt Damon said, “Fortune favors the brave.” And there is noth...
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Is Freedom Really Free? Class Crush Ugly Under Mask

March 31, 2022 by

“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted a...
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UCSB Ranked No. 5 Nationwide Due to Vibes, Sex Appeal

March 31, 2022 by

While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the com...
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Rejoice! Chancellor Yang Spends New Raise Adding 1,387,992 Sea-Monkeys to Lagoon

March 31, 2022 by

The UCSB campus community was recently given the news that our very own top dawg, Chancellor Yang, was given a raise.
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March Madness Gains New Meaning, Everything is Just Insane and Scary

March 30, 2022 by

Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.
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I Don’t Believe in Blenders

March 2, 2022 by

The place has me questioning my own sanity at points. Is an apple blue? Is a banana orange? I truly do not know.
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Shocking Revelation: It’s a NASAL Swab???

February 24, 2022 by

This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “rev...
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Bogus Mix-Up Causes Frat Brother To Consume Water

February 19, 2022 by

In a drunken stumble through the aftermath of a wild dayger, UC Santa Barbara student and Sigma Figma Ligma fraternity member ingested the contents of a plastic bottle which was reported to be plain w...
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A Certified Slay! University To Demand Cocktail Attire in All Dining Halls

February 18, 2022 by

Kiss your flip flops and crop tops goodbye! In an attempt to make UC Santa Barbara institutionally “swag as fuck,” dining halls are mandating a strict formal dress code at all meal times.  In a p...
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Entomology Department Really Excited for Black History Moth

February 17, 2022 by

UC Santa Barbara’s relatively quiet entomology department has recently exhibited an uncommon bit of excitement in the wake of the discovery of a rare species of the family Arctiidae: the Black Histo...
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Top 5 Ways White People Made Black History Month All About Them

February 17, 2022 by

Despite backlash from literally everyone, white people nevertheless persist. Cries dissipated from the Black community, echoing “can we have just one thing?” to which White Man Supreme, Joe Biden ...
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My Badge Is Sage Green: I Am Gay

February 15, 2022 by

My badge is sage green. There, I said it. I know you’re wondering why my badge is a beautiful shade of green while yours is still the color of toxic goo in cartoons. Well, the answer is quite simple...
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Frats Offer Limited Valentine’s Day Deal: BOGO Herpes, Heartbreak

February 14, 2022 by

There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the n...
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Romantic! Tinder Match You Haven’t Talked To In Months Just Posted a Meme on Her Story

February 14, 2022 by

Awwwww yeah! See, now THIS is a great day. Remember that girl you talked to a couple months ago? The one with the short black hair and amber eyes that seemed to sparkle when the light hit them just ri...
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