Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
My mom booked a cruise around the South Pacific (which, I mean, tacky, right?) and on the website it said they don’t have the best Wi-Fi (Of course! If you have a chocolate fountain that runs 24/7, ...
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“Honestly, I feel invincible walking through the quad,” Higgins said. “Even though I’ve given up my rights, I feel freer than ever.”
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My name? Nonessential. Your life? Unimportant, at least until now. All that matters now is what side of history you want to be on. As Matt Damon said, “Fortune favors the brave.” And there is noth...
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“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted a...
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While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the com...
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The UCSB campus community was recently given the news that our very own top dawg, Chancellor Yang, was given a raise.
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Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.
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The place has me questioning my own sanity at points. Is an apple blue? Is a banana orange? I truly do not know.
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This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “rev...
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In a drunken stumble through the aftermath of a wild dayger, UC Santa Barbara student and Sigma Figma Ligma fraternity member ingested the contents of a plastic bottle which was reported to be plain w...
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Kiss your flip flops and crop tops goodbye! In an attempt to make UC Santa Barbara institutionally “swag as fuck,” dining halls are mandating a strict formal dress code at all meal times. In a p...
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UC Santa Barbara’s relatively quiet entomology department has recently exhibited an uncommon bit of excitement in the wake of the discovery of a rare species of the family Arctiidae: the Black Histo...
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Despite backlash from literally everyone, white people nevertheless persist. Cries dissipated from the Black community, echoing “can we have just one thing?” to which White Man Supreme, Joe Biden ...
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My badge is sage green. There, I said it. I know you’re wondering why my badge is a beautiful shade of green while yours is still the color of toxic goo in cartoons. Well, the answer is quite simple...
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There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the n...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
