Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden
three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

September 11, 2020 by

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.
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Joe Biden Proudly Announces VP Running Mate: Calvin Harris

August 26, 2020 by

Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, has proudly announced world-renowned DJ, Calvin Harris, as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2020 election in an attempt to unite the American people through...
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New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick as Fuck

August 15, 2020 by

Researchers in this sumptuous field of study have put out probes into each of the UC campuses looking to find evidence of bodacious badonkadonks across the UC system. Upon analysis of the resultant da...
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Chameleons: They Could Be Anywhere

August 1, 2020 by

The UC issued a statement that chameleons are probably not on campus but acknowledged that there is a chance that chameleons are all around us.
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Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

July 22, 2020 by

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,...
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Thank You, Dear Residents of Isla Vista: An Open Letter From the Coronavirus

July 19, 2020 by

Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm...
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UCSB Introverts, (AKA Entire College of Creative Studies) Really Thriving Right Now

July 16, 2020 by

Majors within the College of Creative Studies (previously featured in this paper for the title of stinkiest, and also most tennis shoe) seem to thrive in the role of introvert forced on the nation. ...
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Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

July 2, 2020 by

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

June 19, 2020 by

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

June 17, 2020 by

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so importa...
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Local Bros Risk it All For One Magical Night at Study Hall

June 10, 2020 by

“I NEEDED STUDY HALL, I NEEDED IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. LAST NIGHT WAS MAGICAL. THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, PROBABLY,” said Brohanski. “THE STAFF THERE ARE HEROES. GODDAMN AMERICAN HEROES.”
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Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

May 31, 2020 by

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.
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CALPIRG Unveils New “Save The Murder Hornets” Campaign

May 24, 2020 by

With no bees left to save, CALPIRG unfortunately had no choice but to move on to the next closest insect.
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Professor Assures In-Person Lecture About Same Boring Material “Much More Engaging Than Online Class”

May 23, 2020 by

Aborian made a point to emphasize that even though he couldn’t see the sleeping faces while he was talking like before, he envisioned them in his head to bring about a sense of normalcy.
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

May 20, 2020 by

That’s it, that’s the article.
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