Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

July 2, 2020 by

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

June 19, 2020 by

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

June 17, 2020 by

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so importa...
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Local Bros Risk it All For One Magical Night at Study Hall

June 10, 2020 by

“I NEEDED STUDY HALL, I NEEDED IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. LAST NIGHT WAS MAGICAL. THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE, PROBABLY,” said Brohanski. “THE STAFF THERE ARE HEROES. GODDAMN AMERICAN HEROES.”
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Man Claims Be Standing 6 Feet Away From You, Actual Distance: 5 Feet, 9 Inches

May 31, 2020 by

While some communities are slowly starting to reopen to the public, research has shown that social distancing efforts have been continually undermined by men not knowing what 6 feet looks like.
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CALPIRG Unveils New “Save The Murder Hornets” Campaign

May 24, 2020 by

With no bees left to save, CALPIRG unfortunately had no choice but to move on to the next closest insect.
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Professor Assures In-Person Lecture About Same Boring Material “Much More Engaging Than Online Class”

May 23, 2020 by

Aborian made a point to emphasize that even though he couldn’t see the sleeping faces while he was talking like before, he envisioned them in his head to bring about a sense of normalcy.
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

May 20, 2020 by

That’s it, that’s the article.
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Stats Indicate for First Time in 300 Years, More People Baking Bread Than Having Sex

May 15, 2020 by

“I don’t really remember what sex is like at this point,” Laeid said. “So putting my dough in the oven is about as close as I’ll get to seeing anything rise.” 
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UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

May 12, 2020 by

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Pokámon Don’t-Go-Outside!

May 6, 2020 by and

Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!
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Local Bro Thinks the Ratio at His Childhood Home “Blows”

May 1, 2020 by

“My mom has no White Claws in the freezer, my little brother isn’t actually a chiller and on the off chance that someone here actually tosses, they all toss low,” Brohanski said.
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Student Health Now Offering Complimentary Circumcisions

April 29, 2020 by

Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what...
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Storke in the Age of COVID-19: UCSB’s Favorite Tower To Chime Each Hour on New Facebook Livestream

April 27, 2020 by

  Upon the March 25 announcement that UC Santa Barbara officials had “no intention” to adjust tuition for a remote spring quarter, students were forced to face the harsh reality that all thei...
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Five Best Ways To Spend Your Corona-Bucks

April 24, 2020 by

  With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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