Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

November 27, 2020 by

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!
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I.V. Foot Patrol Becomes I.V. Patrol Due to Relentless Kinkshaming

November 18, 2020 by

The Foot Patrol, formerly recognized as the on-foot Isla Vista police, now spends their time scouring the streets for any sign of feet, whether it’s through a hole in a shoe, sandals or even barefoo...
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Club Sports Teams Now Even More Embarrassing Than Before

November 16, 2020 by

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming the...
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Local Gaucho Lands HGTV Interior Design Deal for Empty Alcohol Bottles Display

November 12, 2020 by

HGTV is an American television channel that focuses on real estate and home improvement. And what better way to improve your home than to install 13 empty New Amsterdam bottles in the front-facing win...
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Zoom Sex Ed Class Just a Livestream of Pornhub Premium

November 11, 2020 by

Trying to comprehend the wonder of conception? Look no further, kids, for creative teachers are employing the academic help of one of the busiest and most successful websites in the world: Pornhub. 
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Frats Test Positive for Everything

November 11, 2020 by

Public health officials were asked for comment, but were too busy banging their heads against the walls of their office and muttering, “How fucking dumb can these kids be,” under their breaths.
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Four Trump Tweets That Will Invalidate Any of Those Silly Little Self-Care Activities You Did Today

November 8, 2020 by

With the dust from the election finally beginning to settle, it’s important to practice self-care techniques to ease your mind from this heinous experience. However, remembering another bizarre or u...
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Collective Sigh of Relief Blows Down Trees, Carries Away Children Across Country

November 8, 2020 by

True enough indeed, reports have come in from all across the country that small children and animals, as well as many a bouncy house, were swept into the sky as soon as the news broke that Biden would...
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Closing Second Day Without Results, Presidential Candidates Share Heartfelt Kiss Goodnight

November 6, 2020 by

A palpable sexual tension could be felt throughout the country as votes trickled in for the 2020 presidential election.
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In The Absence of Students, Campus Gnomes Colonize Girvetz Hall

November 4, 2020 by

 Witnesses describe that the gnomes — lit only by the light of the moon — began to fortify the walls of Girvetz, dig a moat and lock themselves inside.
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Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

November 4, 2020 by

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."
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Student Sure Something Happening With A.S., But Can’t Be Bothered To Check

November 3, 2020 by

There's definitely something going on with A.S. right now and we'd tell you what it is, but we honestly don't really care enough to look into it.
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Investigation Finds White Claw Cans Make “Not Great” Fleshlight

November 3, 2020 by

Faced with heaps of empty white claw cans and having forgotten the feeling of human touch, lonely Isla Vistans have found a questionable quarantine pastime.
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UCSB Students Looking Forward to the Lockdown Halloween They’re Used To

October 31, 2020 by

The I.V. residents Nexustentialism spoke with all seemed to share a unanimous sense of reassurance in knowing that COVID-19 would not be infiltrating the sanctity of this yearly ritual. 
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Halloween Costume Ideas for Unprecedented Times

October 30, 2020 by

Oh, to be young, beautiful and a viral sensation. Emphasis on the viral.
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