Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Frats Test Positive for Everything

November 11, 2020 by

Public health officials were asked for comment, but were too busy banging their heads against the walls of their office and muttering, “How fucking dumb can these kids be,” under their breaths.
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Four Trump Tweets That Will Invalidate Any of Those Silly Little Self-Care Activities You Did Today

November 8, 2020 by

With the dust from the election finally beginning to settle, it’s important to practice self-care techniques to ease your mind from this heinous experience. However, remembering another bizarre or u...
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Collective Sigh of Relief Blows Down Trees, Carries Away Children Across Country

November 8, 2020 by

True enough indeed, reports have come in from all across the country that small children and animals, as well as many a bouncy house, were swept into the sky as soon as the news broke that Biden would...
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Closing Second Day Without Results, Presidential Candidates Share Heartfelt Kiss Goodnight

November 6, 2020 by

A palpable sexual tension could be felt throughout the country as votes trickled in for the 2020 presidential election.
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In The Absence of Students, Campus Gnomes Colonize Girvetz Hall

November 4, 2020 by

 Witnesses describe that the gnomes — lit only by the light of the moon — began to fortify the walls of Girvetz, dig a moat and lock themselves inside.
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Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

November 4, 2020 by

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."
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Student Sure Something Happening With A.S., But Can’t Be Bothered To Check

November 3, 2020 by

There's definitely something going on with A.S. right now and we'd tell you what it is, but we honestly don't really care enough to look into it.
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Investigation Finds White Claw Cans Make “Not Great” Fleshlight

November 3, 2020 by

Faced with heaps of empty white claw cans and having forgotten the feeling of human touch, lonely Isla Vistans have found a questionable quarantine pastime.
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UCSB Students Looking Forward to the Lockdown Halloween They’re Used To

October 31, 2020 by

The I.V. residents Nexustentialism spoke with all seemed to share a unanimous sense of reassurance in knowing that COVID-19 would not be infiltrating the sanctity of this yearly ritual. 
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Halloween Costume Ideas for Unprecedented Times

October 30, 2020 by

Oh, to be young, beautiful and a viral sensation. Emphasis on the viral.
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Fly Who Landed On Mike Pence’s Head: Dead at 22 Days, 16 Hours

October 22, 2020 by

The fly who landed on Mike Pence’s head passed away in his compost pile on Monday night. He was 22 days, 16 hours old. The doctors said he died of thorax complications.
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Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

October 16, 2020 by

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysi...
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Fly on Mike Pence’s Head Secures Deal with Fashion Nova After Newfound Fame

October 15, 2020 by

After enjoying a week of newfound notoriety, the now-infamous housefly (Musca domestica) that made its debut on the downy white head of Vice President Mike Pence during the 2020 United States vice-pre...
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Recently Fired RAs Say It’s Fine, Didn’t Need Anywhere To Live Anyway

October 5, 2020 by

“Sure I don’t ‘have walls,’ and maybe I don’t ‘get to be dry’ all the time,” Lopez said, while speaking from the half inflated raft she’s been living in off the coast of Devereux. ...
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Anti-Masker Would Rather Die Than Smell Own Breath

September 27, 2020 by

“It’s a shame he can’t socially distance his mouth from his nose.”
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