Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Investigation Finds White Claw Cans Make “Not Great” Fleshlight

November 3, 2020 by

Faced with heaps of empty white claw cans and having forgotten the feeling of human touch, lonely Isla Vistans have found a questionable quarantine pastime.
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UCSB Students Looking Forward to the Lockdown Halloween They’re Used To

October 31, 2020 by

The I.V. residents Nexustentialism spoke with all seemed to share a unanimous sense of reassurance in knowing that COVID-19 would not be infiltrating the sanctity of this yearly ritual. 
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Halloween Costume Ideas for Unprecedented Times

October 30, 2020 by

Oh, to be young, beautiful and a viral sensation. Emphasis on the viral.
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Fly Who Landed On Mike Pence’s Head: Dead at 22 Days, 16 Hours

October 22, 2020 by

The fly who landed on Mike Pence’s head passed away in his compost pile on Monday night. He was 22 days, 16 hours old. The doctors said he died of thorax complications.
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Despite Record Levels of Nostalgia, Campus Still Ugly

October 16, 2020 by

New photographic evidence has revealed that, despite the rose-tinted glasses of memory through which many Gauchos have been envisioning UCSB, the campus is still, according to high-tech visual analysi...
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Fly on Mike Pence’s Head Secures Deal with Fashion Nova After Newfound Fame

October 15, 2020 by

After enjoying a week of newfound notoriety, the now-infamous housefly (Musca domestica) that made its debut on the downy white head of Vice President Mike Pence during the 2020 United States vice-pre...
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Recently Fired RAs Say It’s Fine, Didn’t Need Anywhere To Live Anyway

October 5, 2020 by

“Sure I don’t ‘have walls,’ and maybe I don’t ‘get to be dry’ all the time,” Lopez said, while speaking from the half inflated raft she’s been living in off the coast of Devereux. ...
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Anti-Masker Would Rather Die Than Smell Own Breath

September 27, 2020 by

“It’s a shame he can’t socially distance his mouth from his nose.”
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three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden
three CSOs standing next to Kamala Harris and Joe Biden

Biden Snags CSO Vote With Harris VP Pick

September 11, 2020 by

“I’ve never felt so seen!” said CSO veteran John Schweineliebhaber, a straight, cisgender, white man studying economics.
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Joe Biden Proudly Announces VP Running Mate: Calvin Harris

August 26, 2020 by

Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, has proudly announced world-renowned DJ, Calvin Harris, as his vice-presidential running mate in the 2020 election in an attempt to unite the American people through...
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New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick as Fuck

August 15, 2020 by

Researchers in this sumptuous field of study have put out probes into each of the UC campuses looking to find evidence of bodacious badonkadonks across the UC system. Upon analysis of the resultant da...
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Chameleons: They Could Be Anywhere

August 1, 2020 by

The UC issued a statement that chameleons are probably not on campus but acknowledged that there is a chance that chameleons are all around us.
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Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

July 22, 2020 by

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,...
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Thank You, Dear Residents of Isla Vista: An Open Letter From the Coronavirus

July 19, 2020 by

Sometimes, I just have to stop and look back in awe at how far I’ve come in these past few months: from a sickly bat in a Wuhan meat-market all the way across the world to your neighbor’s lukewarm...
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UCSB Introverts, (AKA Entire College of Creative Studies) Really Thriving Right Now

July 16, 2020 by

Majors within the College of Creative Studies (previously featured in this paper for the title of stinkiest, and also most tennis shoe) seem to thrive in the role of introvert forced on the nation. ...
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