Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
UC Santa Barbara’s relatively quiet entomology department has recently exhibited an uncommon bit of excitement in the wake of the discovery of a rare species of the family Arctiidae: the Black Histo...
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Despite backlash from literally everyone, white people nevertheless persist. Cries dissipated from the Black community, echoing “can we have just one thing?” to which White Man Supreme, Joe Biden ...
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My badge is sage green. There, I said it. I know you’re wondering why my badge is a beautiful shade of green while yours is still the color of toxic goo in cartoons. Well, the answer is quite simple...
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There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the n...
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Awwwww yeah! See, now THIS is a great day. Remember that girl you talked to a couple months ago? The one with the short black hair and amber eyes that seemed to sparkle when the light hit them just ri...
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My dearest Gauchy, Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this … Gaucho Marks, I miss you. I miss your sweet smell ...
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Isla Vista, California – In a scramble to get tested before the return of in-person classes, local trap houses are struggling to acquire tests due to the fact that walking five minutes to Loma Pelon...
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UCSB has announced that they will be expanding the use of Duo multi-factor authentication in order to make the fire escapes at Munger Hall as harmless and fun as possible. While the original plan cont...
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“A bag of milk?!” This second-year has no fucking clue what’s going on. “My boyfriend was hyping up this gift for me for about three months straight, and man, was I excited.
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Carter makes sure to keep his Google Calendar updated so that both his assistant and the most dedicated of his women can keep up to date on what he’s doing and where he may be going.
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Sporting a diaper and Cupid’s iconic bow and arrow, Yang intends to walk amongst us, looking for two kids he can totally ship together.
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Last week, an email was sent out to the UCSB student body mandating booster shots and a COVID test administered between the dates Jan. 3 and Feb. 2. While most students accepted the logic of th...
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Justice at last! In an effort to save face after his now infamous pay raise, Chancellor Yang agrees to install adjustable boob and ball holders in every UCSB dorm shower. “I just can’t hold my b...
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As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the fo...
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After years of committing war crimes against their students, the staff of Nexustentialism tearfully beg the all-powerful entity known as De La Guerra dining hall to grant its students mercy by never s...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
