Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
My dearest Gauchy, Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this … Gaucho Marks, I miss you. I miss your sweet smell ...
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Isla Vista, California – In a scramble to get tested before the return of in-person classes, local trap houses are struggling to acquire tests due to the fact that walking five minutes to Loma Pelon...
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UCSB has announced that they will be expanding the use of Duo multi-factor authentication in order to make the fire escapes at Munger Hall as harmless and fun as possible. While the original plan cont...
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“A bag of milk?!” This second-year has no fucking clue what’s going on. “My boyfriend was hyping up this gift for me for about three months straight, and man, was I excited.
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Carter makes sure to keep his Google Calendar updated so that both his assistant and the most dedicated of his women can keep up to date on what he’s doing and where he may be going.
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Sporting a diaper and Cupid’s iconic bow and arrow, Yang intends to walk amongst us, looking for two kids he can totally ship together.
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Last week, an email was sent out to the UCSB student body mandating booster shots and a COVID test administered between the dates Jan. 3 and Feb. 2. While most students accepted the logic of th...
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Justice at last! In an effort to save face after his now infamous pay raise, Chancellor Yang agrees to install adjustable boob and ball holders in every UCSB dorm shower. “I just can’t hold my b...
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As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the fo...
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After years of committing war crimes against their students, the staff of Nexustentialism tearfully beg the all-powerful entity known as De La Guerra dining hall to grant its students mercy by never s...
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Feeling moldy lately? You and the homes of students in Isla Vista have that in common! Many students have found themselves calling up their landlords, worried about the ever growing presence of mold i...
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Time may be up for UCSB’s beloved mascot Olé, with claims that he is handsome, gorgeous and overall too sexy thrusting his design into hot water. The once beloved and unproblematic mascot, perhaps ...
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Siavash Ghadiri / Daily Nexus Zoom, Calif. — Just before the pandemic began in 2020, graduate students at UCSB and around the UC system were protesting the University for a Cost Of Living Adjustme...
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Plans for the rig will feature 50 suite-style rooms, common areas, free petroleum, and a dining hall. Transportation will consist of a twice-a-day boat shuttle, and a damp towel will be provided to st...
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As empaths, Yang’s story of trials and tribulations is excruciatingly hard to hear, but we’re thankful that the customers of UCSB support their chancellor after everything else he’s done.
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
