Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Wait, what? Don’t even think about bringing up the hotel dorms right now, babe, I can’t believe you would do that. That really hurts. I can’t believe this. Can we just drop this? Please? That’...
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PASADO RD, ISLA VISTA – A soft wash of silence fell over the houses on the 66 block of Pasado Road last Sunday. “Finally,” sophomore Capri Khorn let out with a sigh, propping her feet up atop he...
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Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late ...
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In what is surely a cosmic turn of events, an alignment of the stars, a blessing from above, second-year Hailey Bailey’s daily horoscope was close enough for her to continue believing in astrology. ...
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ISLA VISTA, Calif. — Residents felt shock waves of emotional distress last night as pop superstar and harbinger of seasonal depression Taylor Swift released “Red (Taylor’s Version),” her rerec...
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IN THE BEGINNING, THERE SHALL BE NOTHING. THENCE, I SHALL SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE A DINING HALL LIKE NO OTHER THAT HAS BEEN SEEN.
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“That head is not architecturally sound,” lamented McFadden. “He looks like an egg, like a hard-boiled Humpty Dumpty."
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“I don’t know why people are complaining,” Munger stated. “Imagine seeing 4,500 people daily. I haven’t seen anyone in weeks!"
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After hearing about the local police ordinance set in place for Halloween, a few innovative UCSB students are planning to throw a Christmas party instead. “We kept hearing that I.V. isn’t throwing...
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Happy flu season, Gauchos! With COVID-19 terrifying everyone and their mother due to the coughing fits around public, the student body is collectively on the constant verge of convulsing as they choos...
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Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to ...
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What a treat! Now, as you attempt to cope with the unbearable weight of the seventeen assignments you procrastinated atop your shoulders on a daunting Monday eve, you can think about two ghosts holdin...
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Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year.
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Try not to stare. Stare anyway. Who cares? Everyone’s focusing on their own bike, listening to music and attempting not to crash. The eyes. The hair. The way their legs … move? They kind of pedal ...
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Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a stu...
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Ends on ‘good terms’ but is blocked on Instagram
Slow fade
Ghosting them on a random Monday
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Drunk Uber “we need to talk” voice memo
Presents a notes app pros and cons list
Asks to still be friends
Drops their stuff off, never speaks to them again
Texts “this isn’t working” then posts from another country
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Tells them they need to focus on Econ 10A
Delivers a hand-written letter to their mom
