Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

May 10, 2022 by

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 
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If You Sucked My Tits, You Owe Me a Mother’s Day Card

May 8, 2022 by

You have suckled my breast like an infant — the weakling you are — and I get nothing in return? 
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God Cancelled

April 30, 2022 by

Perhaps it is time for the man upstairs to face the social consequences of his actions.
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How To Lounge Jubilantly on the Arbor Lawn With Your Multicultural Friends in Front of a Tour Group

April 29, 2022 by

So, if you’re not sure about what to do when you find yourself out with your most diverse group of friends, look no further! We’ve got you covered!
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I Am Running for A.S. Senate and This Is My Plan To End the War in Iraq

April 27, 2022 by

As a veteran of three tours of photo-ops at UCSB’s Middle Eastern Resource Center, I am uniquely aware of the incredible human cost and personal toll of the protracted conflict. I know it must end n...
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Cute! Duck Couple Reminds You That You’ll Die Alone

April 27, 2022 by

It’s like, how can these ducks find love and I can’t? What’s wrong with me? Am I really less worthy than a duck?
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Quirky Check! Aesthetic Girl Spills Yerba Mate in Backpack Instead of Plain, Old Water

April 27, 2022 by

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!” 
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I’m Not High

April 20, 2022 by

I am Chicken Joe from Surf’s Up.
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Egg Chair Finally Hatches

April 19, 2022 by

Dazed and confused, Mate spoke only in tongues for 22 minutes until he was doused with a gallon of whole milk someone bought from 7-Eleven. Brains everywhere were scrambled. Only then did the question...
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Femme Misses Masc Mandate Already

April 14, 2022 by

Dangly earrings and ruffled socks were adorned on every person from wall to wall. This was the day Ininity had dreaded. The UC Santa Barbara Masc Mandate had finally been lifted.
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Belltopia: Storke Tower To Chime Alone This Weekend

April 14, 2022 by

We all make mistakes from time to time. Forgetting to give Storke Tower a hug and making sure she knew what time you would be home was yours this weekend. 
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CALPIRG Petition Tactics Fail, Mascot To Resort to War Crimes

April 5, 2022 by

“They’re trying to like gaslight me into saving the environment, which isn’t very cash money of them you know?” said Saraa Nara, a fourth year who is “lowkey tired” of CALPIRG’s bullshit...
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Sacrifice Revealed! Will Smith Oscars Slap Actually Awareness Stunt for Alopecia

April 5, 2022 by

If he had made it about alopecia, then people wouldn’t want to look it up as much. The key is misdirection. This way, people don’t even realize how they are being played.
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6 Ways Chancellor Yang is Pushin P

April 4, 2022 by

According to Genius, the phrase refers to “keeping it player,” or being true to self. To further explain this concept, look no further than our very own Chancellor Yang.
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Rejoice! UCSB To Lower Tuition

April 1, 2022 by

“I felt it was necessary, desired and the downright moral thing to do,” he said while clutching his chest. “These kids have worked so hard over the pandemic, completing their studies online with...
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