Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
My name? Nonessential. Your life? Unimportant, at least until now. All that matters now is what side of history you want to be on. As Matt Damon said, “Fortune favors the brave.” And there is noth...
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“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted a...
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While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the com...
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The UCSB campus community was recently given the news that our very own top dawg, Chancellor Yang, was given a raise.
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Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.
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The place has me questioning my own sanity at points. Is an apple blue? Is a banana orange? I truly do not know.
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This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “rev...
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In a drunken stumble through the aftermath of a wild dayger, UC Santa Barbara student and Sigma Figma Ligma fraternity member ingested the contents of a plastic bottle which was reported to be plain w...
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Kiss your flip flops and crop tops goodbye! In an attempt to make UC Santa Barbara institutionally “swag as fuck,” dining halls are mandating a strict formal dress code at all meal times. In a p...
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UC Santa Barbara’s relatively quiet entomology department has recently exhibited an uncommon bit of excitement in the wake of the discovery of a rare species of the family Arctiidae: the Black Histo...
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Despite backlash from literally everyone, white people nevertheless persist. Cries dissipated from the Black community, echoing “can we have just one thing?” to which White Man Supreme, Joe Biden ...
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My badge is sage green. There, I said it. I know you’re wondering why my badge is a beautiful shade of green while yours is still the color of toxic goo in cartoons. Well, the answer is quite simple...
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There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the n...
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Awwwww yeah! See, now THIS is a great day. Remember that girl you talked to a couple months ago? The one with the short black hair and amber eyes that seemed to sparkle when the light hit them just ri...
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My dearest Gauchy, Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this … Gaucho Marks, I miss you. I miss your sweet smell ...
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Ends on ‘good terms’ but is blocked on Instagram
Slow fade
Ghosting them on a random Monday
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Drunk Uber “we need to talk” voice memo
Presents a notes app pros and cons list
Asks to still be friends
Drops their stuff off, never speaks to them again
Texts “this isn’t working” then posts from another country
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Tells them they need to focus on Econ 10A
Delivers a hand-written letter to their mom
