Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Belltopia: Storke Tower To Chime Alone This Weekend

April 14, 2022 by

We all make mistakes from time to time. Forgetting to give Storke Tower a hug and making sure she knew what time you would be home was yours this weekend. 
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CALPIRG Petition Tactics Fail, Mascot To Resort to War Crimes

April 5, 2022 by

“They’re trying to like gaslight me into saving the environment, which isn’t very cash money of them you know?” said Saraa Nara, a fourth year who is “lowkey tired” of CALPIRG’s bullshit...
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Sacrifice Revealed! Will Smith Oscars Slap Actually Awareness Stunt for Alopecia

April 5, 2022 by

If he had made it about alopecia, then people wouldn’t want to look it up as much. The key is misdirection. This way, people don’t even realize how they are being played.
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6 Ways Chancellor Yang is Pushin P

April 4, 2022 by

According to Genius, the phrase refers to “keeping it player,” or being true to self. To further explain this concept, look no further than our very own Chancellor Yang.
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Rejoice! UCSB To Lower Tuition

April 1, 2022 by

“I felt it was necessary, desired and the downright moral thing to do,” he said while clutching his chest. “These kids have worked so hard over the pandemic, completing their studies online with...
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POV: Your Insufferable Roommate Went on a Spring Break Trip

March 31, 2022 by

My mom booked a cruise around the South Pacific (which, I mean, tacky, right?) and on the website it said they don’t have the best Wi-Fi (Of course! If you have a chocolate fountain that runs 24/7, ...
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Students Give Up Democratic Rights to Escape CALPIRG

March 31, 2022 by

“Honestly, I feel invincible walking through the quad,” Higgins said. “Even though I’ve given up my rights, I feel freer than ever.”
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I am an Econ Major, You are Irrelevant, Here is the Blockchain

March 31, 2022 by

My name? Nonessential. Your life? Unimportant, at least until now. All that matters now is what side of history you want to be on. As Matt Damon said, “Fortune favors the brave.” And there is noth...
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Is Freedom Really Free? Class Crush Ugly Under Mask

March 31, 2022 by

“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted a...
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UCSB Ranked No. 5 Nationwide Due to Vibes, Sex Appeal

March 31, 2022 by

While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the com...
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Rejoice! Chancellor Yang Spends New Raise Adding 1,387,992 Sea-Monkeys to Lagoon

March 31, 2022 by

The UCSB campus community was recently given the news that our very own top dawg, Chancellor Yang, was given a raise.
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March Madness Gains New Meaning, Everything is Just Insane and Scary

March 30, 2022 by

Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.
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I Don’t Believe in Blenders

March 2, 2022 by

The place has me questioning my own sanity at points. Is an apple blue? Is a banana orange? I truly do not know.
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Shocking Revelation: It’s a NASAL Swab???

February 24, 2022 by

This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “rev...
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Bogus Mix-Up Causes Frat Brother To Consume Water

February 19, 2022 by

In a drunken stumble through the aftermath of a wild dayger, UC Santa Barbara student and Sigma Figma Ligma fraternity member ingested the contents of a plastic bottle which was reported to be plain w...
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