Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

It’s Summer, Here’s a Retrospective of Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End

Listen man, it’s past 12, I’ve eaten three Eggo waffles and haven’t showered since last Thursday. Here’s my retrospective analysis of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End.”
read more

Study Finds Eating Ass Boosts Your Immune System

Led by main researcher Joey Zones, a team of ecology graduate students at UC Santa Barbara discovered that eating ass helps to boost your immune system.
read more

Just Some of the Terrible Things That Could Happen During Freshman Year

Are you worried about all of the potentially horrible things that could happen to you your freshman year? Well you should be. Disaster lurks around every corner, so be prepared for any of the followin...
read more

First Three People Freshman Encounters Seemingly Become Best Friends For Rest of College

Bonding over living on the same floor, loving avocados and enjoying getting shithouse plastered four nights a week, freshman Bailey Simpson stumbled upon her three best friends for the rest of college...
read more

Top 10 Places in I.V. Where Boys Have Made Me Cry

Whether you can relate to this or it makes you feel better about your own healthy relationships, here’s a list of the top 10 places a boy has made me cry in I.V.!
read more

Style Watch: JORTS

We sent reporter Hannah Jackson deep into Eastern Europe to forecast the hottest trends, soon to be coming our way: JORTS.
read more

Internship Reveals Run of the Mill Trajectory of Rest of Life

Noting the rampant bitterness of his superiors for their long hours and monotonous daily routines, accounting intern Jackson Conners confirmed the unremarkable essence of the remainder of his days as ...
read more

How to Be Country in I.V.

We all know how country folk are regarded in Isla Vista, so here are some tips on living a country life in I.V.  
read more

10 Things You Can Buy Now That Tuition is $60 Cheaper

Now that your tuition is lowered by $60, here's what you can buy with all that extra cash! Thanks, UC Regents!
read more

Best Places To Get Sunburned at UCSB

UCSB is a notoriously sunny and beautiful place. Here are the top five places to soak up the sun and get burned way faster than you’re willing to admit to any of your friends!
read more

A Look Into Your Sole

Take a quick look to see what your shoe choice says about you!
read more

Local Woman Already Bored Shitless

Just a few weeks into the most highly-anticipated season of the year, area woman Crissy Anderson is already bored shitless.
read more

Local Trump Supporter Reflects on Detained Children: I, Too Have Been Sent to Detention

UCSB transfer student Chad DeLabia is reportedly “super confused” as to why this whole immigration thing is so darn controversial.
read more

Brother, can you spare a trash?

Hells lo, my names is Grrr M. Pache. I is racoon who lives in tree behind big human tree with top.
read more

Not Too Late for Something Weird to Still Happen

Here we are in Week 10, and it just occurred to me that no big meteorological or geographical catastrophe has taken place.
read more