Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Starbucks Runs Out of Non-Dairy Milk, Chaos Ensues

April 5, 2019 by

Tragedy struck Isla Vista last week, administering a blow to the student population right in the heart of their most coveted and vital survival tool: coffee.
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Campus Crisis: Storke Tower Goes Flaccid

April 4, 2019 by

Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the Uni...
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Student Curbs Coke Addiction, Crediting Rush He Gets from Submitting an Assignment 30 Seconds Before Deadline

April 3, 2019 by

Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Cl...
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Student Health Now Fully Staffed by Plague Doctors

April 2, 2019 by

In an effort to save money at the direct and immediate expense of student wellbeing, Student Health Services is pleased to announce that they have replaced all physicians and trained medical professio...
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UCSB Establishes Bike School for Student Bikers Prone to Accidents

April 1, 2019 by

An influx of horrific bike accidents (in which many took to Free & For Sale to voice their grievances and describe the gory details of their injuries) has prompted local UCPD to implement the W.E.A.K....
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Sorority Girls Exclusively Comment “Mom and Dad” on Pictures of Unstable Relationships Only

March 29, 2019 by

We all know that one couple that’s consistently off and on. The guy frequently likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram and the girl keeps getting fucking pissed.
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Chad Simpleton’s Isla Vista Restaurants Review

March 29, 2019 by

Food, we all need it. Restaurants, we’ve all been to them. IV, definitely has ‘em. This cesspool of debauchery and dank memes is full of the best fucking foods to cure everything from a hangover t...
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Breaking: Literally Nobody Tried To Bribe Their Way Into UCSB

March 13, 2019 by

In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwi...
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Local Student Says ‘No Thank You’ to Finals

March 11, 2019 by

Finals are almost here, and with them come yerba binges, restless nights and quiet sobs in the library. This year, though, local UCSB students seem to have put a stop to this quarterly tradition.
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Student Asleep in Egg Chair Since 1992 Finally Wakes Up

March 8, 2019 by

Dazed and confused but thoroughly reseted, that same girl you’ve seen perpetually slumped in one of Davidson Library’s egg chairs every single day since freshman year has finally woken up.
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Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story Edges out Ted Cruz and Fyre Festival Guy for Worst Person in the World

March 7, 2019 by

In an international poll with hundreds of millions of participants, Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story has narrowly been declared the worst person in the entire world. The rac...
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Engineering Department Rampant with Bootcut Jeans and Skechers, Prompts Campuswide Orgasms

March 7, 2019 by

UCSB’s high-ranking College of Engineering is allegedly rampant with bootcut jeans and Skechers — and everyone is nutting, according to a new observation by Anyone Who’s Ever Been on That Side o...
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Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

March 7, 2019 by

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal a...
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A.S. is Fine! Everything is Fine!

March 5, 2019 by

Associated Students is doing the best it has ever done! Never has A.S. done so many beneficial things for UCSB. A.S. passes only good plans that are very well thought through and everyone agrees on th...
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White Girl Continues To Touch Hair of Beautiful Girl Who Sits in Front of Her

February 28, 2019 by

Last week, it was reported that Tiffany-Joy Johanson-Mills suddenly and without consent plunged her fingers into the hair of a Beautiful Girl sitting in front of her during a mid-sized communication p...
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