Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Local Drug Dealer Now Accepts Gaucho Bucks

November 14, 2019 by

  Everyone knows someone who has been affected by the university’s arcade token analog and Bitcoin-ripoff, Gaucho Bucks. Who could forget the June realization that there is an unredeemable $400...
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Report: Roommate Used Goddamn Brita Filter Without Refilling It

November 12, 2019 by

  Reports are streaming in that second-year student Ava Turst reportedly used her roommate’s “goddamn” Brita filter without filling it back up afterwards. This allegation falls in the wake ...
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Mom disappointed after parents’ weekend, “thought this was a party school”

November 7, 2019 by

  Having spent the previous weekend at Chico State doing keg stands and shotgunning beers with her son, “cool mom” Karen Smith, proud parent of a freshman at UC Santa Barbara, was thrilled at...
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BREAKING: Philosophy Major Has Thought

November 4, 2019 by

This is it, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has arrived: A philosophy major thought of something. Considering most people only need to take Philosophy 1 to get enough introspection and bleak s...
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Top 10 Sexiest UC Santa Barbara-Related Costumes

October 31, 2019 by

  Sexy Mountain Lion   They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista...
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Time Traveler Mistakes Halloween Locked-Down IV for Vintage Dystopian Novel

October 31, 2019 by

  The realities of modern I.V. Halloween conditions drew sharp criticism this week when a temporally displaced traveler drew a comparison between late October Isla Vista and the dystopian world i...
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How to Survive UCSB Flu Season

October 31, 2019 by

  It’s that time of year again — the skeletons are both spooky and scary, the usually bustling streets of Isla Vista have grown hauntingly quiet and during lecture, you’re surrounded on all...
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Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

October 30, 2019 by

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang ...
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Wikihow: How to spell Nexustentialism

October 25, 2019 by

  Step 1: Check to see if you have a brain Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s your cerebral cortex, silly! Give your ol’ dome a couple of hearty taps with your knuckles to make sure that little...
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C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

October 24, 2019 by

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
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Diversity Win: Sorority Has Two Brunettes AND a Redhead!

October 18, 2019 by

  Sororities are known for many things — the cult-like, ahem, cute chants and hand signals, the iconic squat and, of course, a homogenous hue of golden-to-brassy heads. Brilliantly, however, UC...
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Five Most Eco-Friendly Ways to Get Shit-Faced

October 17, 2019 by

Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up ...
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Asbestos in Ceiling Won’t Stop I.V. Rapper’s Mixtape From Being Fire

October 14, 2019 by

Popular I.V. rapper Lil’ Bestos has been preaching defiance after realizing that there is asbestos in his new I.V. apartment. “When I heard that this ‘asbestos’ is a fire retardant,” Bestos ...
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Freshman Gets Trapped in Middle of Storke Tower Bike Loop, Has Panic Attack, Is Rescued

October 10, 2019 by

In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became tr...
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Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

October 10, 2019 by

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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