Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths. Stein, despite grad...
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Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of San Nicolas. “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whis...
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ISLA VISTA, Calif. – After weeks of research conducted by UCSB’s Department of Environmental Studies, scientists have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of Isla Vista’s unusually foggy summ...
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Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall. Trinkino, an environmental studies maj...
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Fourth years Elijah Borf and Daniel Rodriguez discovered this week that friend and housemate Ethan Roberts actually has a pretty fucking rich dad. This discovery ties a lot of loose ends together for ...
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The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.
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“Oh, this summer’s going to be an absolute movieeeeeeee! The time of our lives!”
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Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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Breaking: It has recently dawned on incoming junior Marissa Torrez that close friend and housemate Alexandra Lee manages each year to somehow have all the internships. Amidst many Facebook posts voi...
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This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the not...
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First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drink...
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Summer school means that I take a lot of shits on campus, because I don’t have time to go home between classes, work and my internship. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of the best and the worst re...
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In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets o...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
