Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

CALPIRG Turtle Exposed, Actually Tortoise

March 1, 2020 by

UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to bel...
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Breaking: UCSB Declared To Be in “Severe Clout Drought”

March 1, 2020 by

While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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Mountain Party Breaks Out During Occupation of Cheadle Hall

February 24, 2020 by

In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to th...
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Hall Rules Clearly Based on Hammurabi’s Code

February 20, 2020 by

FT’s 12th-floor bulletin board was recently replaced with a pair of massive clay tablets, into which the new floor rules have been hand-chiseled. These new rules, as well as their method of proclama...
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Student Health Receives Influx of Sex Injuries Following Valentine’s Day

February 20, 2020 by

Student Health staffers were astonished this week by the staggering number of sex-related injuries presented to Student Health for treatment following this year’s 3-day Valentine’s weekend. Althou...
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New Student Loan Deferral Program Lets You Pass Your Crippling Debt Onto Your Children

February 18, 2020 by

On Wednesday, President Trump signed an executive order requiring the U.S. Department of Education to create a new student loan deferral program allowing students who find themselves in more debt than...
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Brotherly Lime Ride Leads to Unexpected Sexual Awakening

February 14, 2020 by

We often find love in the strangest places, whether it’s 11 shots deep at Sandbar or in the 8 a.m. Friday section where you look more like roadkill with a pulse than a college student. For second-ye...
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Monster Under Davidson Library Only Grows Hungrier

February 14, 2020 by

DAVIDSON LIBRARY — Reports have surfaced that the long-dormant eldritch monster residing under Davidson Library has grown restless due to a burgeoning hunger that can no longer be sated by our measl...
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UCSB Introduces Department of Student Vibes

February 14, 2020 by

UC Santa Barbara officials announced Tuesday that an all-new student-resource department would be making its way to campus in the fall of 2020: the Department of Student Vibes. In the brand-new Studen...
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Student Goes Barefoot as an Attempt To Be Perceived as Interesting

February 9, 2020 by

Earlier this week, sophomore Alex Graham decided to mix things up for once and walk around campus barefoot, as if he were a paleolithic caveman roaming the wild prehistoric savannah. According to Grah...
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UCSB Rescinds Bathroom Privileges Following Buchanan Vandalism

February 9, 2020 by

BUCHANAN HALL — Following a senseless act of vandalism in the Buchanan girls bathrooms, Chancellor Henry Yang released a statement today announcing that the bathroom privileges previously enjoyed by...
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Excess Waffle Batter Oozing from Waffle Machine Reminder That You’re a Failure

February 6, 2020 by

ORTEGA DINING COMMONS ‒ A shallow pool of wasted waffle batter solemnly finds itself spread out upon a pitiful tin pan underneath the machine for which it was intended. For second-year student Emma ...
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Britain Leaves EU, Joins Channel Islands

February 6, 2020 by

Concluding this chapter of British history last week, the UK has officially left the European Union. However, in a surprising turn of events, the island nation opted to join a different coalition: the...
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Heroes of Isla Vista: Hoe Doesn’t Get Cold

February 1, 2020 by

ISLA VISTA, CALIF. — Third-year student Lindsay Thompson has been turning heads this frigid winter quarter in the classic tube top and miniskirt combo — but Thompson, a Santa Barbara six at best, ...
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Mint Juul Pods Are Out, Here’s What We’re Vaping Now

February 1, 2020 by

With the changing of the year, we had to bid farewell to a beloved staple of Isla Vistan life: flavored vape pods. We at the Nexus are taking this departure especially hard, but fear not! I am here to...
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