Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Warning: God doesn’t answer prayers about Chem 1A

October 11, 2022 by

According to them, there is no omniscience powerful enough, no divine light bright enough to combat your holy ineptitude.
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I will make no apologies for the person I become on the bike path

October 11, 2022 by

Get out. Leave. Literally, take your bike and start riding across the grass, because at the speed you’re going, you’ll get to class at the same time anyways. It’s what you deserve.
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Incoming freshman decides racist mascot fucked up, but not dealbreaker

October 2, 2022 by

“I thought it was a raccoon,” the poor little dunce choked out through tears of white guilt.
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I like pointing out freshmen on DP because I am 21 and dread my future

October 2, 2022 by

Those fucking idiots. God, I am so cool.
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Freshman distraught after missing sexual orientation

October 2, 2022 by

Sadly, Closset was unable to attend sexual orientation, where students are assigned their sexuality for their time here at UC Santa Barbara.
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Five Ways to Avoid Walking Into Class Sweating Like a God-fearer in the Seventh Circle of Hell

September 1, 2022 by

You walk into the classroom and the class goes quiet. Your body has betrayed you; you are dripping sweat from every inch of your body.
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Eulogy for Pizza My Heart

September 1, 2022 by

Where else can you consume 40 whole cloves of garlic on a pizza in front of your unsuspecting Bumble date? Fuck you! Who do you think you are?
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Greeks Go Green Try Greening Out

August 5, 2022 by

Greeks Go Green took part in an event of true sisterhood where they collectively attempted to reach a level of high called “greening out.”
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I Wish I Was the Unzipped Banana in the Fruit Sensory Videos

July 23, 2022 by

“I just don’t understand why the pineapple is in the middle,” he fervently explained. “Everything about that banana is raw sex appeal.”
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Chancellor Yang Takes Over-Enrollment Crisis Into His Own Hands

July 16, 2022 by

It can feel as though calls for action from UCSB administration fall on deaf ears — but no longer!
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Catastrophe! Gaucho Bucks Economy Collapses After Everyone Forgets They Exist

July 11, 2022 by

To elaborate, Gaucho Bucks follow the same ridiculous format of taking money you can spend everywhere and anywhere, and converting it into money that you can only spend at a few places — except it...
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I Lived It: Bearing The Burden Of Being The Funniest Bitch In The GroupMe

July 3, 2022 by

I am too funny for the society I find myself buried within.
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Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Were a Tour Guide

June 24, 2022 by

No one here drinks.  Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place that we gather at on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money. 
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UCSB’s Top Students Finish Magna Cum Laude; Bottom Students Reportedly Satisfied

June 16, 2022 by

“We as a community are just so proud of the achievement of these students. They should certainly feel very satisfied with themselves and the effort they have put in. We hope they are experiencing th...
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From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

May 27, 2022 by and

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist sys...
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