Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

5 SEXY GAUCHOS WANT TO MEET NEAR YOU

May 18, 2023 by

Hey gorg us. How would you like to see BIG BOOBS and BIG’s BUTT tonight.
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Return of the Jedi: I’m high for the 2nd time at Wingstop

May 4, 2023 by

I have the plant with me now, and using my lightsaber, I’m able to light it and start smoking in the purple glow of my saber. Fuck yes.
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Need enlightenment these deranged college students do

May 4, 2023 by

Such silly students. Surprising that so much time spent in the library, yet lacking in ways of the Force. 
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Everything I’ve ever wanted to say to stinky little campus tour groups

April 27, 2023 by

I have had ENOUGH of not being able to suntan at the lagoon without a prepubescent fifth grader staring at my ass.
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Does ChatGPT recite evil spells at anyone else?

April 27, 2023 by

Then I stared blankly at the screen as it recited my full legal name, address and social security number.
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I’m not high: the squeakquel

April 20, 2023 by

Love you guys — all you guys reading this are probably my friend in some way or another. Big kiss to you all! Big kiss!
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Hoodwinked! Hoping to work with joints, confused stoner majors in rheumatology

April 20, 2023 by

“I’m somewhat of a joint specialist myself,.” second-year Lena Erm said.
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Style spotlight! Man wears button down t-shirt with swim shorts to Deltopia

April 14, 2023 by

“Like 20 minutes after I got there, everyone was wearing it. Like, bro, they were totally biting my shit. But it's ok,” he explained.
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Deltopia in review: Local girl with severe peanut allergy stores EpiPen in pussy

April 14, 2023 by

When asked if she was carrying a purse throughout the day, Chu smirked and claimed to not be “one of those weak bitches.”
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So, President’s Day had to be during Black History Month Huh?

March 27, 2023 by

What’s the point of President’s Day anyway? To get a couple more hours of shut-eye on our brand new Sleep Number smart mattress?
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“Finally some representation!” cries white man after watching Harry Styles grammy speech

March 12, 2023 by

Kevin dropped the communal-apartment-carton of milk that he was drinking from. He was astounded. He burst into tears — finally feeling relief in his life.
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Nation’s racist uncles shocked to find out ‘All Lives Matter’ includes minorities

March 12, 2023 by

As the conversation turned toward politics due to Black History Month, she said unto her uncle, “Hey Leonard, if all lives matter, that means Black lives matter too, doesn’t it?” 
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UCSB: Campus under the sea

March 11, 2023 by

Where else can you study the horrors of the Anthropocene in person? UCSB will continue to reign — now as the Atlantis of the Santa Barbara Channel!
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Prince Harry donates to UCSB, but mandates students wear ginger wigs in return

March 11, 2023 by

Harry was revealed to have donated $690,000 to UCSB because he has “a lot of money from colonialism” and “doesn’t know what to do with it.”
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Interview with a lagoon crab

February 13, 2023 by

We here at the Daily Nexus were honored when Collingsworth agreed to a rare interview. This reporter was lucky enough to sit down with him, and the transcript is provided below.
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