Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Ask Eggbert: An Advice Column

February 17, 2017 by

UCSB’s Resident Alien Answers Your Burning Questions
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Third-Year Student Takes Over Philosophy 127 After Professor Fails to Show

February 16, 2017 by

“It was 4:07 and the professor wasn’t there,” he said. “I couldn’t take the silence so I just started talking.”
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Girl Scout Cookies: What You Need to Know

February 15, 2017 by

Be an informed buyer this Girl Scout Cookie season.
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Lonely Janitor Steals Keys to Hearts, Many Students Left Heartbroken

February 14, 2017 by

“I am like, completely heartbroken. He doesn’t even snap me back or respond to my Facebook event invites!” said second-year psych major Susan Cupid.
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Student Contacts Dead Ancestors for Dating Advice

February 13, 2017 by

“Performing seances when it isn’t Halloween isn’t great business,” Riley said, “So I figured I would help guide others with their ancestors’ advice on how to get in a relationship just in ...
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Trump Presidency Ends Reverse Racism in America

February 10, 2017 by

Just as Obama had ended regular racism before him, President Trump has successfully ended reverse racism. Wow!
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Missing Girl Found After Going into Hiding To Avoid Giving Ride

February 9, 2017 by

Missing UCSB student Jill Crosswell was found alive yesterday morning at 5:00 a.m.
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Isla Vista Cops Conflicted Over Encouraging Messages in Local Graffiti

February 7, 2017 by

Local police have been perplexed by 35 recent instances of “encouraging” graffiti in Isla Vista and at UCSB.
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Sorority Sally Confused About Muslin Ban

February 6, 2017 by

Sally considers the different points of views on the Muslin ban, but ultimately doesn’t understand the controversy.
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U Can Study Blonde: Elle Woods Goes Gaucho for Fashion Merchandising Ph.D.

February 3, 2017 by

After completing a campus visit and tour yesterday, Harvard Law graduate and political activist Elle Woods made her decision to enroll at UC Santa Barbara official by submitting her statement of inten...
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New Plans to Deal With DP Cliff-Slide Risk

February 2, 2017 by

Recent events surrounding the cliffslide and mandatory demolition at 6653 Del Playa have seen a shift in the design philosophy of oceanside property owners.
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Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

January 31, 2017 by

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”
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Local Girl Arrested in Relation to Spoon Homicide

January 30, 2017 by

“She had it coming! I warned her, but that spoon was still in the sink when I got home.”
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Raccoon Trash Lord Grows Stronger Every Time You Litter

January 27, 2017 by

Juniper’s origin is unknown, but what is known is that he controls the greater Isla Vista area through his networks of trash.
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Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

January 26, 2017 by

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.
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