Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Isla Vista Cops Conflicted Over Encouraging Messages in Local Graffiti

February 7, 2017 by

Local police have been perplexed by 35 recent instances of “encouraging” graffiti in Isla Vista and at UCSB.
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Sorority Sally Confused About Muslin Ban

February 6, 2017 by

Sally considers the different points of views on the Muslin ban, but ultimately doesn’t understand the controversy.
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U Can Study Blonde: Elle Woods Goes Gaucho for Fashion Merchandising Ph.D.

February 3, 2017 by

After completing a campus visit and tour yesterday, Harvard Law graduate and political activist Elle Woods made her decision to enroll at UC Santa Barbara official by submitting her statement of inten...
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New Plans to Deal With DP Cliff-Slide Risk

February 2, 2017 by

Recent events surrounding the cliffslide and mandatory demolition at 6653 Del Playa have seen a shift in the design philosophy of oceanside property owners.
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Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

January 31, 2017 by

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”
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Local Girl Arrested in Relation to Spoon Homicide

January 30, 2017 by

“She had it coming! I warned her, but that spoon was still in the sink when I got home.”
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Raccoon Trash Lord Grows Stronger Every Time You Litter

January 27, 2017 by

Juniper’s origin is unknown, but what is known is that he controls the greater Isla Vista area through his networks of trash.
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Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

January 26, 2017 by

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.
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Chancellor Yang Washed Away by Floods

January 23, 2017 by

It would appear that he first got caught in the flood around Storke Tower and has since been seen floating down Del Playa, holding on to a rogue surfboard.
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Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

January 18, 2017 by

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”
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Local Gluten-Free Crossfit Trainer Takes Vow of Silence, Leaves Scientific Community Uprooted

January 12, 2017 by

In what will certainly go down as a cornerstone development of the 21st century, scientists at the University of Science in Siberia met Monday morning to discuss the unthinkable.
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Top 7 Internships For College Students in 2017

January 8, 2017 by

Internships. The elusive, ever ethereal precursors to one’s midsummer night’s dream job on Mount Olympus with froyo on tap.
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10 Things the Elf on the Shelf Overheard During the Holidays

January 4, 2017 by

This festive little buddy comes out to decorate the house with candy canes and lights and does more than just overlook from his perch.
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6 Trends That Need To Make a Comeback in 2017

December 30, 2016 by

2017 is the year we stop normalizing unrealistic stereotypical roles for minors so we can diversify our content and profit off of more child stars.
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Santa Rescued from Sinking Sleigh by Heroic Surfers

December 25, 2016 by

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” second-year environmental studies Joseph Wilkins, one of the rescuers, said.
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