Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 12, 2018

Student Wary of Cuffing Season Preemptively Cuffs Self

By Emma Demorest

Martinez has gone so far as to cuff herself before anyone else gets the chance.

February 9, 2018

Trouble Is Afoot: Raccoon Theft Leaves DP Residents Barefoot and Unhappy

By Christina Muoio

This isn’t the first time a raccoon has done something like this.

February 8, 2018

Surfing in Poop Water is the Shit

By Carly Kay

“Honestly, I’m like already pretty sick,” stated Corby, throwing up a condensed shaka.

February 6, 2018

Wow! This Frat Respects Women By…

By Ivana Bangaman

Really impressed!

February 5, 2018

White Girl’s Semester Abroad Didn’t Totally Change Her Life

By Mia Roncati

Shocking news arrived from a small suburb outside Los Angeles.

February 2, 2018

Things Hieu Le Should Spend His $3,000 Honorarium on Instead of Increasing Student Fees

By Ollie Tabooger

While we really do love our A.S. President, we do think it’s appropriate to poke fun at some good old-fashioned political fuck-ups every now and again.

February 1, 2018

Nice! UCSB Introduces 10 Edgy Classes for Spring Quarter

By Jake Feder, Ivana Bangaman

Here it is! The long-awaited *super easy* GE course list from UCSB. Everyone and their Aunt Trish loves taking a nice, juicy general education course. It’s a beautiful way to lighten the load of an otherwise shit-in-yo...

January 30, 2018

Nexustentialism to Shut Down After Some Girl Kaitlyn says “Not Okay”

By Sam Penn

Well, it happened.

January 29, 2018

UCSB Accepts Record Number of Out-of-State Students to Pay for New Science Building

By Mia Roncati

Over 5,000 students were found to have been marked as in-state admissions over 3 years.

January 26, 2018

New Chancellor Announced as Large Pile of Money Wearing Glasses

By Ariana Marmolejo

His glasses are prescription.

January 24, 2018

Fuck It, I’m Rating the Birds

By Ryan Watt

These winged jerks have had it too good for too long.

January 23, 2018

Sad! Thousands of New Year’s Resolutions Left Abandoned on Streets of DP

By Emma Demorest

Sadly, this is an annual occurrence.

January 22, 2018

Students in ESS Pre-major Prepare to Literally Jump Through Hoops

By Clayton Alexander

Students have been working diligently to gear up for this week’s final challenge.

January 19, 2018

Study Abroad Student Misses Memo, Shows Up 1 Week Early

By Emily Anne Williams

The TAs then handed out the exams, and the professor wrote the time remaining on the board. Still, Sanders remained clueless.

December 18, 2017

ALL THE SEX I’VE HAD THIS YEAR, RATED

By Diana Prince

Every year when my virginity restarts on Jan. 1, I record and rate all the sex I have had by month and man. Take a peek into my exciting life as a serial polygamist: