First-year mechanical engineering major Evan Flynn was deterred this week by the realization that he really hasn’t had any sex since coming to college. Flynn really thought this would be “his year”, as far as sexual escapades go.
“I don’t get it,” Flynn said, “I saw ‘Animal House,’ ‘The Neighbors.’ I saw ‘Road Trip,’ okay? Do you know how many times Zac Efron got it in? A lot. A lot of times.”
Apparently, though the freshman dorms ooze with sexual tension, they collectively lack follow-through. This is a consistent theme for most of Flynn’s peers, many of whom also thought they’d have “bitches to spare” at this point.
“We all thought Evan would have the best luck,” said sociology major and self-proclaimed best friend of Flynn, Dean Smith. “He plays basketball, like, all the time. And, he showers semi-often. He’s a catch.”
Even incorporating dating apps into their process seems to have been a dead end, with Flynn reportedly on Tinder, Bumble, Grumble (a new app where you have hate-sex with people you’ve just met) and even Grindr, where Flynn said he thought girls might turn up by mistake.
“It’s especially weird because our dorm room is great for bringing girls into,” said Flynn’s roommate Dan Boyd. The two reportedly invested in some L.E.D. lights, which boast tantalizing colors, and are just about to wash their sheets.
Emma Demorest is a writing and literature major who has the sexual energy of an elderly turtle.
He should go to Vice Chancellor Klawunn for advice and toolkit.