Eric Swenson / Daily Nexus

When you and your roommate have a mid-year crisis and resolve to make a physical scroll of resolutions, this is what happens. Surprise! Life isn’t perfect. I’m fucking stressed, for one. School is stressful, friends are stressful and thinking about next year – already – is stressful. So, to calm my nerves, and to feed my procrastinatory spirit, I enlisted my roommate to help me make a physical scroll of resolutions. We titled it our “10 Commandments” because we’re not that original, okay?


1. Thou shalt not curse.

I’m a fucking asshole for being a shit roommate and violating the first commandment already. I’ll start tomorrow. Promise.

2. Thou shalt not consume caffeine.

We’ve all been there, saying we won’t drink it anymore, and for the most part we can do without the coffee. When it comes to Yerba, though, that’s a different story — it don’t count, okay?

3. Thou shalt not wear underwear with yoga pants.

Full. Commando.

4. Thou shalt not go to bed without reading a book.

We all have that book-lover in our life that never understood the power of SparkNotes.

5. Thou shalt not go to bed without taking shots of water.

Because dead week has us all feeling like we want to die and too weak to actually do anything about it.

6. Thou shalt not succumb to basic vocabulary.

I discern, assuredly, my opulence with this one.

7. Thou shalt not watch more than two episodes of “Hart of Dixie” at a time.

Although personal dramas are enough to fuel most of us, it’s nice to realize that there is a fake person out there with a made-up life and dramas that are ridiculous, but, finally, don’t stem from our own crises.

8. Thou shalt not be in bed later than 11:30 p.m.

We’re just trying to be healthy adults with above average circadian rhythms for the college student demographic.

9. Thou shalt not fall asleep without sharing a token of knowledge.

Because we all need more “facts of the day” (FOTD) in our lives.

10. Thou shalt not abstain from pre-marital sex … even if he is a Libertine (cue appropriate use of commandment number 6)

Live your life, have fun, be safe, my friends. Regardless, wasn’t it more fun to finish this list off with this commandment than the mundane ones I listed earlier?!


Anat Katzir is confused about Mapaches. What are they and why are Gauchos so interested in them all of a sudden?