Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

September 28, 2017

College Ends as Institution After Students Collectively Decide They’re ‘Not Down’

By Jake Feder

The Twitter-sphere, Facebook-sphere, Instagram-sphere and Snapchat-sphere were all set ablaze this past Sunday morning as the world caught wind of a ground-altering development somehow collectively set in motion by colle...

September 26, 2017

Incoming Freshman Ecstatic About Sharing Space Despite Previous Only Child Experiences

By Carly Kay

Incoming freshman and only child Ella McLeod just arrived at her new glorified closet for three, and she could not be more pumped to get the siblings she never asked for.

September 25, 2017

Rebecca Bell’s 7 Steps to a Perfect Rush!

By Rebecca Bell

I'm here to give you the 4-1-1, what everybody's been up to, the hot gossip. I will tell you everything you need to know about sorority recruitment so you can be as prepared as possible to find your home away from home.

September 12, 2017

Two of My Bitches were in the Club; Thankfully Didn’t Know About Each Other

By Candace Dunkin

Tragedy struck Santa Barbara in the late hours of Saturday night as I stumbled my way out of the back of Sharkeez’s bathroom... what happened next will leave you shocked!!!

August 18, 2017

Bland Chicken: Easy Meal or Cultural Appropriation?!

By Carter Wright

When I think back to my childhood, to some of my fondest memories, I often think of food. I remember the smells of my mom’s kitchen, the first time I made my own breakfast and the under-seasoned and overcooked chicken ...

August 9, 2017

Summer Visitors Create Hell for Introverted Students on Campus

By Clayton Alexander

Incoming visitors from Family Vacation Center and various touring high schools have led to introverted UCSB students feeling as though their sanity is deteriorating, as they remember how glad they are to be out of high s...

July 28, 2017

Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

By Emily Anne Williams

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”

July 24, 2017

Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

By Emily Anne Williams

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.

July 18, 2017

Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

By Emily Anne Williams

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.

July 13, 2017

Groundbreaking Research Suggests Bad Jokes Make Great Dads

By Carly Kay

Researchers recently discovered revealed groundbreaking evidence that pun-related humor in males is directly correlated with being a good father.

June 14, 2017

Student Purchases Dad Hat, Embraces Fatherhood

By Jenny De La Cuadra

Share with the dads in your life.

June 13, 2017

5 Ways to Convince Your FWB to Hook Up When They Should Study

By Diana Prince

We all know what F stands for.

June 12, 2017

My Sext Got Left on Read: Here’s My Story

By Diana Prince

Long story short, my award-winning paragraph of graphic erotica got left on read.

June 9, 2017

Professor Institutes ‘Trial by Combat’ Test Format

By Will McIntosh

Sources confirmed yesterday that an upper division physics professor, who has asked to remain anonymous, has hired a handful of retired WWE wrestlers to challenge students in cage-match-style combat.

June 6, 2017

A Slice of the Upper Crust: Protests Rise Against Dining Commons Bread

By Lauren Jensen

The dining commons are well known for their widespread range of bakery items, especially their flavors of homemade breads. However, a group of passionate students have taken it upon themselves to end the so-called madnes...